• Omne aevum curae; cunctis sua displicet aetas. - View Quote Details on Omne aevum curae; cunctis sua displicet aetas.
• The poetical fame of Ausonius condemns the taste of his age. - View Quote Details on The poetical fame of Ausonius condemns the taste of his…
• Quis color ille vadis, seras cum propulit umbras
  Hesperus et viridi perfudit monte Mosellam!
  tota natant crispis iuga motibus et tremit absens
  pampinus et vitreis vindemia turget in undis. - View Quote Details on Quis color ille vadis, seras cum propulit umbras
  Hesperus et viridi…
• It is the things which Ausonius reveals unconsciously that win him liking, not those which he sets out to celebrate with a kind of innocent pomp: not the chair of rhetoric at twenty-five, nor the imperial tutorship in his fifties, nor the consulship at sixty-nine, but that he loved and taught rhetoric all his life, and kept his simplicity. - View Quote Details on It is the things which Ausonius reveals unconsciously that win…
• Collige, virgo, rosas, dum flos novus et nova pubes,
  et memor esto aevum sic properare tuum. - View Quote Details on Collige, virgo, rosas, dum flos novus et nova pubes,
  et memor…
• Jejunis nil scribo: meum post pocula si quis
  legerit, hic sapiet.
  Sed magis hic sapiet, si dormiet: et putet ista
  somnia missa sibi. - View Quote Details on Jejunis nil scribo: meum post pocula si quis
  legerit, hic sapiet.
  Sed…
• Ausonius must be read to be believed! As poet, no subject is too trivial for him; as courtier, no flattery too excessive. - View Quote Details on Ausonius must be read to be believed! As poet, no…
• Iniurium est de poeta male sobrio lectorem abstemium iudicare. - View Quote Details on Iniurium est de poeta male sobrio lectorem abstemium iudicare.
• Errantes silva in magna et sub luce maligna
  inter harundineasque comas gravidumque papaver
  et tacitos sine labe lacus, sine murmure rivos,
  quorum per ripas nebuloso lumine marcent
  fleti, olim regum et puerorum nomina, flores. - View Quote Details on Errantes silva in magna et sub luce maligna
  inter harundineasque comas…
• In the history of versification did anyone ever juggle so wildly well with iambics, sapphics, dactylics, anapestics, and all the rest? He fabricated verses most ingeniously, most enthusiastically. His virtuosity is amazing. Almost every line he wrote was a tour de force. And in spite of all this highly self-conscious technical facility he managed occasionally to write poetry. - View Quote Details on In the history of versification did anyone ever juggle so…
• Monumenta fatiscunt:
  mors etiam saxis nominibusque venit. - View Quote Details on Monumenta fatiscunt:
  mors etiam saxis nominibusque venit.

About Ausonius

Decimus Magnus Ausonius (c. 310 – c. 395 ) was a Gallo-Roman poet, rhetorician and consul.

• I’m just being told Whittington’s condition has been upgraded from ’stable’, to ’stable, but still shot in the face by the Vice-President’. It’s good news really. - View Quote Details on I’m just being told Whittington’s condition has been upgraded from…
• Feeling too full? Can’t keep stuffing your pie hole? Remember: an unsound mind equals an unsound body! Find your dark unhappy place…I recommend calling all your old girlfriends. They’ll tell you EXACTLY what’s wrong with you…Let your diminishing self-esteem propel you forward into a crushing maelstrom of despair…the fat will follow! - View Quote Details on Feeling too full? Can’t keep stuffing your pie hole? Remember:…
• We all know that there are many wasted hours when your cellphone is just sitting in your pocket not being talked on. In the past we’ve talked about amazing new features like digital photography, text messaging, and special sperm destroying rays…by the way that’s #-6. - View Quote Details on We all know that there are many wasted hours when…
• Oooh look, I’m a Democrat! I’m going to block your nomination! Oooh look, I’m a Republican! I’m going to block your blocking of the nomination! Oooh look, I’m Ted Kennedy! I have man boobies! - View Quote Details on Oooh look, I’m a Democrat! I’m going to block your…
• July 14 is Bastille Day, when the people of France released the prisoners being held in the Bastille. Not just the political prisoners, mind you; all the prisoners. - View Quote Details on July 14 is Bastille Day, when the people of France…
• Ed Helms: You’re gonna want your very own ring, so all your friends will know that you’re the one ruining the movie…so shed that boring old “dee-dee-doo-doo, dee-dee-doo-doo, dee-dee-doo-doo-doo” for something more uniquely you, something that’ll help stave off the haunting spectre of your own faceless anonymity. And it’s fun…heck, you don’t need to download rings! You can download actual songs…check this out…
  (song plays, Ed laughs)
  Helms: Man that song’ll NEVER GET OLD! (breaks into song) ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT…
  Jon Stewart (off-screen, annoyed): Ed…ED!!
  Helms (snaps back to attention): All right, all right…so in conclusion these novelty rings and games are now provided on your cellphone because the technology exists to do that…(breaks into song again) ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT…
  Stewart (off-screen, semi-incoherent): ALL RIGHT, ED!!! (recovers, camera now on both Helms and Stewart) thank you. - View Quote Details on Ed Helms: You’re gonna want your very own ring, so…
• Bastille”. It’s French for “Why are you stabbing me?! I just released you from prison! - View Quote Details on Bastille”. It’s French for “Why are you stabbing me?! I…
• I’m here at the hospital where Austin lawyer and Republican fundraiser Harry Whittington is in a stable condition after being shot by Vice-President Dick Cheney during a weekend quail hunting expedition. Doctors say he is recovering quickly after being shot, in the face, by the Vice-President. I’ll be here with continuous coverage of how Vice-President Dick Cheney shot a seventy-eight year old man, in the face, after he mistook him for a small bird. - View Quote Details on I’m here at the hospital where Austin lawyer and Republican…
• One question remain…does the kit work? I underwent an EXTREME CANADIAN MAKEOVER. The challenge was to remove everything about me that says “America”. The dumb(bleep) look…the rock-hard American ass…and finally, my luscious hairway to Heaven. My transformation was complete…now armed with only the tools of the kit, it was time to see if I could pass as a Canadian…it worked. My fellow Americans were staring at me like an outsider. I felt like a true Canadian, and like a true Canadian, I desperately needed to thaw oout my balls. - View Quote Details on One question remain…does the kit work? I underwent an EXTREME…
• For some reason, America’s popularity around the world has plummeted in recent years, making travel…(sneezes, pulls out a French flag to clear his nose) making travel abroad a harrowing experience. But one man…has a solution. - View Quote Details on For some reason, America’s popularity around the world has plummeted…
• Now you’re probably wondering, “But Mr. Helms…” Stop, right there, okay? Call me Ed. So you’re wondering, “Ed, why does resolution matter?” Well, first of all that’s a stupid question. All you got to do is turn on regular resolution TV and try and figure out what the hell’s going on! - View Quote Details on Now you’re probably wondering, “But Mr. Helms…” Stop, right there,…

About Ed Helms

Edward “Ed” Helms (born 24 January 1974 ) is an American actor and comedian.

• There is only one China. Taiwan is not independent. It does not enjoy sovereignty as a nation, and that remains our policy, our firm policy. - View Quote Details on There is only one China. Taiwan is not independent. It…
• Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return. - View Quote Details on Over the years, the United States has sent many of…
• Being responsible sometimes means pissing people off. - View Quote Details on Being responsible sometimes means pissing people off.
• Remark made as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, announcing the U.S. gulf war plan against Saddam Hussein’s army. Pentagon press briefing on 1991-1-23. - View Quote Details on Remark made as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,…
• The First Amendment exists to ensure that freedom of speech and expression applies not just to that with which we agree or disagree, but also that which we find outrageous. - View Quote Details on The First Amendment exists to ensure that freedom of speech…
• The sanctions exist — not for the purpose of hurting the Iraqi people, but for the purpose of keeping in check Saddam Hussein ’s ambitions toward developing weapons of mass destruction… And frankly they have worked. He has not developed any significant capability with respect to weapons of mass destruction. He is unable to project conventional power against his neighbors. So in effect, our policies have strengthened the security of the neighbors of Iraq… - View Quote Details on The sanctions exist — not for the purpose of hurting…
• Leadership is the art of accomplishing more than the science of management says is possible. - View Quote Details on Leadership is the art of accomplishing more than the science…
• “I’m sleeping like a baby, too. Every two hours, I wake up, screaming.” (Upon hearing that President Bush was “sleeping like a baby” on the eve of war with Iraq.) - View Quote Details on “I’m sleeping like a baby, too. Every two hours, I…
• Of all manifestations of power, restraint impresses men most. - View Quote Details on Of all manifestations of power, restraint impresses men most.
• You break it, you own it. - View Quote Details on You break it, you own it.
• The policies — determining who would be drafted and who would be deferred, who would serve and who would escape, who would die and who would live — were an antidemocratic disgrace…I am angry that so many of the sons of the powerful and well placed…managed to wangle slots in reserve and National Guard units. Of the many tragedies of Vietnam, this raw class discrimination strikes me as the most damaging to the ideal that all Americans are created equal and owe equal allegiance to their country. - View Quote Details on The policies — determining who would be drafted and who…
• Every organization should tolerate rebels who tell the emperor he has no clothes. - View Quote Details on Every organization should tolerate rebels who tell the emperor he…
• In September 2005, Powell was asked about the Security Council speech during an interview with Barbara Walters and responded that it was a “blot” on his record. He went on to say, “it will always be a part of my record. It was painful. It’s painful now.” - View Quote Details on In September 2005, Powell was asked about the Security Council…
• Many of my generation, the career captains, majors, and lieutenant colonels seasoned in that war [Vietnam], vowed that when our turn came to call the shots, we would not quietly acquiesce in halfhearted warfare for half-baked reasons that the American people could not understand. - View Quote Details on Many of my generation, the career captains, majors, and lieutenant…
• There can be no doubt that Saddam Hussein has biological weapons and the capability to rapidly produce more, many more. - View Quote Details on There can be no doubt that Saddam Hussein has biological…
• If you are going to achieve excellence in big things, you develop the habit in little matters. Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude. - View Quote Details on If you are going to achieve excellence in big things,…
• The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting in above-average effort. - View Quote Details on The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting…

About Colin Powell

Colin Luther Powell (born 1937-04-05 ) was the 65th United States Secretary of State, serving from 2001-01-20 to 2004-11-12. At the time, he was the highest ranking African American government official in the history of the United States.

• Wish I could remember why it mattered to me. It doesn’t matter to me. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. - View Quote Details on Wish I could remember why it mattered to me. It…
• Travis Nelsen - View Quote Details on Travis Nelsen
• By the second verse, dear friends, my head will burst and my life will end, so I’d like to start this one off by saying “live! and love!” - View Quote Details on By the second verse, dear friends, my head will burst…
• Some nights I thirst for real blood, for real knives, for real cries. And then the flash of steel from real guns in real life really fills my mind. - View Quote Details on Some nights I thirst for real blood, for real knives,…
• Zachary Thomas - View Quote Details on Zachary Thomas
• Her stinging eyes, and her sixteen-hour drive, and our shared, transparent rope, and our icy dive through hope I’ll memorise, and I’ll cut into my mind. - View Quote Details on Her stinging eyes, and her sixteen-hour drive, and our shared,…
• There is no escaping the thing that is making its home in your radio. - View Quote Details on There is no escaping the thing that is making its…
• Jonathan Meiburg - View Quote Details on Jonathan Meiburg
• Feel a brand-new storm surround your form tonight… - View Quote Details on Feel a brand-new storm surround your form tonight…
• How did I climb out of a life so boring into that moment? Please stop ignoring the heart inside, oh you readers at home! While you gasp at my bloody crimes, please take the time to make your heart my home: where I’m forgiven by time, where I’m cushioned by hope, where I’m numbed by long drives, where I’m talked off or doped. Does the heart wants to atone? Oh, I believe that it’s so, because if I could climb back through time, I’d restore their lives and then give back my own: tens of times now its size on a far distant road in a far distant time where every night I’m still crying, entirely alone. - View Quote Details on How did I climb out of a life so boring…
• And I really do think that there’s probably more good than anger or selfishness, sickness, or sadness would ever completely allow us to have in this life, I think I’m sure. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad. - View Quote Details on And I really do think that there’s probably more good…
• But if I could tear his throat, and spill his blood between my jaws, and erase his name out for good, don’t you know that I would? Don’t you realize that I wouldn’t pause, that I would cut him down with my claws if I could have somehow never let that happen? Or I’d call, some black midnight, fuck up his new life where they don’t know what he did, tell his brand-new wife and his second kid. - View Quote Details on But if I could tear his throat, and spill his…
• Hot breath, rough skin, warm laughs, and smiling. The loveliest words whispered and meant, you like all these things. - View Quote Details on Hot breath, rough skin, warm laughs, and smiling. The loveliest…
• Bless this tiny alley; we have fallen, from tall buildings we have fallen through the air into a garden sweetly smelling of the softest sleeping flowers (now they sit under the sidewalk, now they’re waiting for the shining of some future sun to show us all that brings you beauty and all that gives you pleasure); I could sigh into your hide and say “I hope I’m here forever, but black sheep boy - with your lovers, with your list of favorite pillows, with your list of missing children, with the walls where you drew windows overlooking hidden gardens cut apart by jagged mountains (climbing up into the air and crumbling down into a fountain where the water waits forever, like a quiet, distant treasure) - when you rise up to recover, when you leave this tiny alley, when you meet me in the garden with your horns all hung with cedar, every spirit brushing past me brushing past them in the ether screams ‘all this is window dressing, all you are is flimsy curtains - watch, you flame up with a word from us and don’t know that you’re burning.” - View Quote Details on Bless this tiny alley; we have fallen, from tall buildings…
• Kids get lost, lambs out wandering. Bigger, blacker things go following them into a patch of forest somebody once planted for this song. (It’s not over. Phones are still ringing. Eyes are still rolling, eyes are still clinging. Something in the air starts singing…Radios switched on and buzzing. Something in the wind starts humming. Something in the field starts hunting…) Kids grow up and kids go numb. And, kids, it’s coming. Kids, it’s going to come. - View Quote Details on Kids get lost, lambs out wandering. Bigger, blacker things go…
• Now, with all these cameras focused on my face,
  You’d think they could see it through my skin.
  They’re looking for evil, thinking they can trace it,
  But evil don’t look like anything. - View Quote Details on Now, with all these cameras focused on my face,
  You’d…
• Let’s go back up to your house and take our clothes off and just push and pull ourselves until we’re deep inside of sleep - View Quote Details on Let’s go back up to your house and take our…
• There’s nothing quite like the blinding light when that curtain’s cast aside. - View Quote Details on There’s nothing quite like the blinding light when that curtain’s…
• Look, though, I don’t know what notes you want to hear played, I can’t think what lines you’d like me to sing or say, and I’m not sure what subjects you want mentioned. So pause and add your own intentions. - View Quote Details on Look, though, I don’t know what notes you want to…
• Rapt, in “Star Wars” sheets, with my hand across your belly, we waded through the watercolor. And drunk in your parents house, junk coming out of your mouth, we were buried in the ice sculpture, and you said “I would be anything that you wanted me to be…but how could I change my body?” - View Quote Details on Rapt, in “Star Wars” sheets, with my hand across your…
• Ooh, murderess, in the wilderness, with your victims all around you, their combined love forms a pool your knife’s reflected in. Now I’m ready, too, with my throat to you, on this island, by this moon. What I want the most to do is show I’m not like them. - View Quote Details on Ooh, murderess, in the wilderness, with your victims all around…
• The house in the valley is open this week.
  Imagine the sea looking in
  at the slowly moving sheets.
  Honestly. - View Quote Details on The house in the valley is open this week.
  Imagine…
• Safe, safe - enjoy your time feeling so safe, and treasure that smile on your face, okay? Because time will see that it’s replaced in a while. - View Quote Details on Safe, safe - enjoy your time feeling so safe, and…
• Will Sheff - View Quote Details on Will Sheff
• I put my lips to your face, trying to push his kiss out of its place - View Quote Details on I put my lips to your face, trying to push…
• So come back and we’ll take them all on. So come back to your life on the lam. So come back to your old black sheep man. He says, “I am waiting on hoof and on hand. I am waiting, all hated and damned. I am waiting - I snort and I stamp. I am waiting, you know that I am, calmly waiting to make you my lamb.” - View Quote Details on So come back and we’ll take them all on. So…
• Patrick Pestorius - View Quote Details on Patrick Pestorius
• I live in a building where nobody knows me,
  I go to bed early, I sleep in my clothes.
  At night I hear screaming down in the street,
  I dream that I’m slipping, I reach for my feet. - View Quote Details on I live in a building where nobody knows me,
  I…
• So hoist up the John B. sail. See how the main sail sets. I’m full in my heart and my head and I want to go home, with a book in each hand, in the way I had planned. I feel so broke up, I want to go home. - View Quote Details on So hoist up the John B. sail. See how the…

• To rob Peter and pay Paul. - View Quote Details on To rob Peter and pay Paul.
• A penny for your thought. - View Quote Details on A penny for your thought.
• Every man for himself and God for us all. - View Quote Details on Every man for himself and God for us all.
• The loss of wealth is loss of dirt,
  As sages in all times assert;
  The happy man’s without a shirt. - View Quote Details on The loss of wealth is loss of dirt,
  As sages in…
• Nothing is impossible to a willing heart. - View Quote Details on Nothing is impossible to a willing heart.
• Let the world slide, let the world go;
  A fig for care, and a fig for woe!
  If I can’t pay, why I can owe,
  And death makes equal the high and low. - View Quote Details on Let the world slide, let the world go;
  A fig for…
• Love me, love my dog. - View Quote Details on Love me, love my dog.
• Wedding is destiny,
  And hanging likewise. - View Quote Details on Wedding is destiny,
  And hanging likewise.
• I know on which side my bread is buttered. - View Quote Details on I know on which side my bread is buttered.
• The tide tarrieth no man. - View Quote Details on The tide tarrieth no man.
• Children learn to creep ere they can learn to go. - View Quote Details on Children learn to creep ere they can learn to go.
• A woman hath nine lives like a cat. - View Quote Details on A woman hath nine lives like a cat.
• Set the cart before the horse. - View Quote Details on Set the cart before the horse.
• Fast bind, fast find. - View Quote Details on Fast bind, fast find.
• Better is half a loaf than no bread. - View Quote Details on Better is half a loaf than no bread.
• Look ere ye leap. - View Quote Details on Look ere ye leap.
• An ill wind that bloweth no man to good. - View Quote Details on An ill wind that bloweth no man to good.
• This hitteth the nail on the head. - View Quote Details on This hitteth the nail on the head.
• Tit for tat. - View Quote Details on Tit for tat.
• Ill weed groweth fast. - View Quote Details on Ill weed groweth fast.
• Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? - View Quote Details on Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
• For when I gave you an inch, you took an ell. - View Quote Details on For when I gave you an inch, you took an…
• One good turn asketh another. - View Quote Details on One good turn asketh another.
• The fat is in the fire. - View Quote Details on The fat is in the fire.
• The more the merrier. - View Quote Details on The more the merrier.
• Children and fools cannot lie. - View Quote Details on Children and fools cannot lie.
• A hard beginning maketh a good ending. - View Quote Details on A hard beginning maketh a good ending.
• To tell tales out of school. - View Quote Details on To tell tales out of school.
• Three may keep counsel, if two be away. - View Quote Details on Three may keep counsel, if two be away.
• Of a good beginning cometh a good end. - View Quote Details on Of a good beginning cometh a good end.
• The moon is made of greene cheese. - View Quote Details on The moon is made of greene cheese.
• When the sun shineth, make hay. - View Quote Details on When the sun shineth, make hay.
• He that will not when he may,
  When he would he shall have nay. - View Quote Details on He that will not when he may,
  When he would he…
• And while I at length debate and beat the bush,
  There shall step in other men and catch the birds. - View Quote Details on And while I at length debate and beat the bush,
  There…
• But in deed,
  A friend is never known till a man have need. - View Quote Details on But in deed,
  A friend is never known till a man…

About John Heywood

John Heywood (1497-1580) was an English writer known for his plays, poems, and collection of proverbs. He fled England for the Low Countries to avoid persecution as a Catholic. Many of his proverbs had appeared in writing already, and it is unlikely that he invented any of them.

• Tim - Paul Giamatti - View Quote Details on Tim - Paul Giamatti
• Aunt Fanny: Hey kids, get a load of this… - View Quote Details on Aunt Fanny: Hey kids, get a load of this…
• Ratchet - Greg Kinnear - View Quote Details on Ratchet - Greg Kinnear
• Fender: Yeah Baby, let ‘er rip! - View Quote Details on Fender: Yeah Baby, let ‘er rip!
• Lamppost: [the lamppost dies] - View Quote Details on Lamppost: [the lamppost dies]
• Madame Gasket - Jim Broadbent - View Quote Details on Madame Gasket - Jim Broadbent
• Crank: Ugh, light a match! - View Quote Details on Crank: Ugh, light a match!
• Ratchet: Why be you when you can be new? - View Quote Details on Ratchet: Why be you when you can be new?
• Herb Copperbottom - Stanley Tucci - View Quote Details on Herb Copperbottom - Stanley Tucci
• Fire Hydrant - Jay Leno - View Quote Details on Fire Hydrant - Jay Leno
• Mrs. Copperbottom - Dianne Wiest - View Quote Details on Mrs. Copperbottom - Dianne Wiest
• Bigweld: Whether you’re made of old parts, new parts or spare parts, you can shine no matter what you’re made of. - View Quote Details on Bigweld: Whether you’re made of old parts, new parts or…
• Piper: Hi! I’m Piper, rhymes with “viper”! (hisses) - View Quote Details on Piper: Hi! I’m Piper, rhymes with “viper”! (hisses)
• Piper: Did I miss the butt-whoopin’?
  Everyone: Uh, no. - View Quote Details on Piper: Did I miss the butt-whoopin’?
  Everyone: Uh, no.
• Crank: What are you guys, 3 years old? This is how a man does it. - View Quote Details on Crank: What are you guys, 3 years old? This is…
• Crank - Drew Carey - View Quote Details on Crank - Drew Carey
• Lug - Harland Williams - View Quote Details on Lug - Harland Williams
• Rodney Copperbottom - Ewan McGregor - View Quote Details on Rodney Copperbottom - Ewan McGregor
• Bigweld: See a need, fill a need! - View Quote Details on Bigweld: See a need, fill a need!
• Aunt Fanny - Jennifer Coolidge - View Quote Details on Aunt Fanny - Jennifer Coolidge
• Bigweld - Mel Brooks - View Quote Details on Bigweld - Mel Brooks
• Piper Pinwheeler - Amanda Bynes - View Quote Details on Piper Pinwheeler - Amanda Bynes
• Fender: Just stick with me, kid. I know this town like the back of my hand. (sees something on his hand) Hey, that’s new! (gets blown off his feet by a giant hammer) - View Quote Details on Fender: Just stick with me, kid. I know this town…
• Fender Pinwheeler - Robin Williams - View Quote Details on Fender Pinwheeler - Robin Williams
• Aunt Fanny: Say hello to my dimpled friend. - View Quote Details on Aunt Fanny: Say hello to my dimpled friend.
• Cappy - Halle Berry - View Quote Details on Cappy - Halle Berry
• Piper: You guys are SO gross! Besides, this is how you do it. - View Quote Details on Piper: You guys are SO gross! Besides, this is how…

• IT IS MY FIRM BELIEF THAT IT IS A MISTAKE TO HOLD FIRM BELIEFS. - View Quote Details on IT IS MY FIRM BELIEF THAT IT IS A MISTAKE…
• POEE is one manifestation of the DISCORDIAN SOCIETY about which you will learn more and understand less
  We are a tribe of philosophers, theologians, magicians, scientists, artists, clowns, and similar maniacs who are intrigued with ERIS GODDESS OF CONFUSION and with Her Doings. - View Quote Details on POEE is one manifestation of the DISCORDIAN SOCIETY about which…
• III - A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog on a Friday; this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns). - View Quote Details on III - A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination…
• THE SACRED CHAO is the key to illumination. Devised by the Apostle Hung Mung in ancient China, it was modified and popularized by the Taoists and is sometimes called the YIN-YANG. The Sacred Chao is not the Yin-Yang of the Taoists. It is the HODGE-PODGE of the Erisians. And, instead of a Podge spot on the Hodge side, it has a PENTAGON which symbolizes the ANERISTIC PRINCIPLE, and instead of a Hodge spot on the Podge side, it depicts the GOLDEN APPLE OF DISCORDIA to symbolize the ERISTIC PRINCIPLE. - View Quote Details on THE SACRED CHAO is the key to illumination. Devised by…
• Some excerpts from an interview with Malaclypse the Younger by THE GREATER METROPOLITAN YORBA LINDA HERALD-NEWS-SUN-TRIBUNE-JOURNAL-DISPATCH-POST AND SAN FRANCISCO DISCORDIAN SOCIETY CABAL BULLETIN AND INTERGALACTIC REPORT & POPE POOP. GREATER POOP: Are you really serious or what?
  MAL-2: Sometimes I take humor seriously. Sometimes I take seriousness humorously. Either way it is irrelevant. - View Quote Details on Some excerpts from an interview with Malaclypse the Younger by…
• The Hell Law says that Hell is reserved exclusively for them that believe in it. Further, the lowest Rung in Hell is reserved for them that believe in it on the supposition that they’ll go there if they don’t. - View Quote Details on The Hell Law says that Hell is reserved exclusively for…
• The foregoing document was revealed to Mal-2 by the Goddess Herself through many consultations with Her within his Pineal Gland. It is guaranteed to be the Word of Goddess. However, it is only fair to state that Goddess doesn’t always say the same thing to each listener, and that other Episkoposes are sometimes told quite different things in their Revelations, which are also the Word of Goddess. Consequently, if you prefer a Discordian Sect other than POEE, then none of these Truths are binding, and it is a rotten shame that you have read all the way down to the very last word. - View Quote Details on The foregoing document was revealed to Mal-2 by the Goddess…
• GP: Maybe you are just crazy.
  M2: Indeed! But do not reject these teachings as false because I am crazy. The reason that I am crazy is because they are true. GP: Is Eris true?
  M2: Everything is true.
  GP: Even false things?
  M2: Even false things are true.
  GP: How can that be?
  M2: I don’t know man, I didn’t do it. GP: Why do you deal with so many negatives?
  M2: To dissolve them.
  GP: Will you develop that point?
  M2: No. - View Quote Details on GP: Maybe you are just crazy.
  M2: Indeed! But…
• POEE also recognizes the holy 23 (2+3=5) that is incorporated by Episkopos Dr. Mordecai Malignatius, KNS, into his Discordian sect, the Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria. - View Quote Details on POEE also recognizes the holy 23 (2+3=5) that is incorporated…
• There is an anti-urbanised myth of the “Legend of Rhetoric”. Rhetoric was an old-style POPE of the 551st decimilisation. He went into ASDA one day, and never came out. Legend says he’s in the eternal queue. We Erisians, of course, reject that. We believe he ascended to become the patron saint and manufacturing goblin of the supermarket underworld. - View Quote Details on There is an anti-urbanised myth of the “Legend of Rhetoric”…
• Reality is the original Rorschach. - View Quote Details on Reality is the original Rorschach.
• ALL RITES REVERSED (K) REPRINT WHAT YOU LIKE - View Quote Details on ALL RITES REVERSED (K) REPRINT WHAT YOU LIKE
• If you think the PRINCIPIA is just a ha-ha, then go read it again. - View Quote Details on If you think the PRINCIPIA is just a ha-ha, then…
• The Aneristic Principle is that of APPARENT ORDER; the Erisitic Principle is that of APPARENT DISORDER. Both order and disorder are man made CONCEPTS and are artificial divisions of PURE CHAOS, which is a level deeper than is the level of distinction making. With our concept making apparatus called “mind” we look at reality through the ideas-about-reality which our cultures give us. The ideas-about-reality are mistakenly labeled “reality” and unenlightened people are forever perplexed by the fact that other people, especially other cultures, see “reality” differently. It is only the ideas-about-reality which differ. Real (capital-T True) reality is a level deeper than is the level of concept. We look through the world through windows on which have been drawn grids (concepts). Different philosophies use different grids. A culture is a group of people with rather similar grids. Through a window we view chaos, and relate it to the points on our grid, and thereby understand it. The ORDER is in the GRID. That is the Aneristic Principle. Western philosophy is traditionally concerned with contrasting one grid with another grid, and amending grids in hopes of finding a perfect one that will account for all reality and will, hence, (say unenlightened westerners) be True. This is illusory; it is what we Erisians call the ANERISTIC ILLUSION. Some grids can be more useful than others, some more beautiful than others, some more pleasant than others, etc., but none can be more True than any other. DISORDER is simply unrelated information viewed through some particular grid. But, like “relation”, no-relation is a concept. Male, like female, is an idea about sex. To say that male-ness is “absence of female-ness”, or vice versa, is a matter of definition and metaphysically arbitrary. The artificial concept of no-relation is the ERISTIC PRINCIPLE. The belief that “order is true” and disorder is false or somehow wrong, is the Aneristic Illusion. To say the same of disorder, is the ERISTIC ILLUSION. - View Quote Details on The Aneristic Principle is that of APPARENT ORDER; the Erisitic…
• GP: Is there an essential meaning behind POEE?
  M2: There is a Zen Story about a student who asked a Master to explain the meaning of Buddhism. The Master’s reply was “Three pounds of flax.”
  GP: Is that the answer to my question?
  M2: No, of course not. That is just illustrative. The answer to your question is FIVE TONS OF FLAX! - View Quote Details on GP: Is there an essential meaning behind POEE?
  M2:…
• The point is that (little-t) truth is a matter of definition relative to the grid one is using at the moment, and that (capital-T) Truth, metaphysical reality, is irrelevant to grids entirely. Pick a grid, and through it some chaos appears ordered and some appears disordered. Pick another grid, and the same chaos will appear differently ordered and disordered. - View Quote Details on The point is that (little-t) truth is a matter of…
• The Law of Fives is one of the oldest Erisian Mysterees. It was first revealed to Good Lord Omar and is one of the great contributions to come from the Hidden Temple of the Happy Jesus. - View Quote Details on The Law of Fives is one of the oldest Erisian…
• If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized religion is the marijuana of the lunatic fringe. - View Quote Details on If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then…
• The Curse of Greyface included the division of life into order/disorder as the essential positive/negative polarity, instead of building a game foundation with creative/destructive as the essential positive/negative. He has thereby caused man to endure the destructive aspects of order and has prevented man from effectively participating in the creative uses of disorder. Civilization reflects this unfortunate division. - View Quote Details on The Curse of Greyface included the division of life into…
• V - A Discordian is Prohibited of Believing what he reads. IT IS SO WRITTEN! SO BE IT. HAIL DISCORDIA! PROSECUTORS WILL BE TRANSGRESSICUTED. - View Quote Details on V - A Discordian is Prohibited of Believing what he…
• And when men become free then mankind will be free.
  May you be free of The Curse of Greyface.
  May the Goddess put twinkles in your eyes.
  May you have the knowledge of a sage,
  and the wisdom of a child.
  Hail Eris. - View Quote Details on And when men become free then mankind will be free…
• To choose order over disorder, or disorder over order, is to accept a trip composed of both the creative and the destructive. But to choose the creative over the destructive is an all-creative trip composed of both order and disorder. To accomplish this, one need only accept creative disorder along with, and equal to, creative order, and also willing to reject destructive order as an undesirable equal to destructive disorder. - View Quote Details on To choose order over disorder, or disorder over order, is…
• I - There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm. - View Quote Details on I - There is no Goddess but Goddess and She…
• POEE (Pronounced “POEE”) is an acronym for the PARATHEO-ANAMETAMYSTIKHOOD OF ERIS ESOTERIC. The first part can be taken to mean “equivalent deity, reversing beyond-mystique”. We are not really esoteric, it’s just that nobody pays much attention to us. - View Quote Details on POEE (Pronounced “POEE”) is an acronym for the PARATHEO-ANAMETAMYSTIKHOOD OF…
• If you can master nonsense as well as you have already learned to master sense, then each will expose the other for what it is: absurdity. From that moment of illumination, a man begins to be free regardless of his surroundings. He becomes free to play order games and change them at will. He becomes free to play disorder games just for the hell of it. He becomes free to play neither or both. And as the master of his own games, he plays without fear, and therefore without frustration, and therefore with good will in his soul and love in his being. - View Quote Details on If you can master nonsense as well as you have…
• HERE FOLLOWS SOME PSYCHO-METAPHYSICS. If you are not hot for philosophy, best just skip it. - View Quote Details on HERE FOLLOWS SOME PSYCHO-METAPHYSICS. If you are not hot for…
• II - A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System. - View Quote Details on II - A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian…
• THE BEARER OF THIS CARD
  IS A GENUINE AND AUTHORIZED
  ~ POPE ~
  So please Treat Him Right
  GOOD FOREVER Genuine and authorized by The House of Apostles of ERIS
  Every man, woman and child on this Earth is a genuine and authorized Pope
  -Reproduce and distribute these cards freely-
  POEE Head Temple, San Francisco
  A =POPE= is someone who is not under the authority of the authorities. - View Quote Details on THE BEARER OF THIS CARD
  IS A GENUINE AND…

About Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia is a sacred text of the Discordian religion written by Greg Hill (Malaclypse the Younger ) and Kerry Thornley (Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst). It was originally published under the title “Principia Discordia or How The West Was Lost With Explanations to Yellow Pages Use” in a limited edition of 5 copies in 1965.

• Oh, for pete’s sake. He’s fleein’ the interview. He’s fleein’ the interview! - View Quote Details on Oh, for pete’s sake. He’s fleein’ the interview. He’s fleein’…
• Mike Yanagita: Ya know, it’s the Radisson, so it’s pretty good. - View Quote Details on Mike Yanagita: Ya know, it’s the Radisson, so it’s pretty…
• Let’s watch that language there - View Quote Details on Let’s watch that language there
• Just in town on business. Just in and out. Ha. Just a little of the old in-and-out. - View Quote Details on Just in town on business. Just in and out. Ha…
• [Practices calling Wade] Yah, Wade, It’s Jerry, I… Yah, Wade, it’s, I, it’s Jerry… I don’t know what to do it’s Jean. I don’t know what to do it’s my wife. I don’t know what to do it’s Jean. Wade, it’s Jerry, I… Wade, it’s Jerry! We gotta talk! Oh, geez, it’s terrible… [calls the number] Yah, Wade Gustafson, please. - View Quote Details on [Practices calling Wade] Yah, Wade, It’s Jerry, I… Yah, Wade,…
• Mike Yanagita: Well, as an engineer you could do a lot worse - View Quote Details on Mike Yanagita: Well, as an engineer you could do a…
• Scottie Lundegard: There’s no fucking way…. - View Quote Details on Scottie Lundegard: There’s no fucking way….
• Mind if I sit down? I’m carrying quite a load here. - View Quote Details on Mind if I sit down? I’m carrying quite a load…
• Mike Yanagita: So ya went and married Norm Son-of-a-Gunderson! - View Quote Details on Mike Yanagita: So ya went and married Norm Son-of-a-Gunderson!
• Look, Jerry, you’re not selling me a damn car. It’s my show here. - View Quote Details on Look, Jerry, you’re not selling me a damn car. It’s…
• You should have seen the other guy - View Quote Details on You should have seen the other guy
• I answered the darn - I’m cooperating here! - View Quote Details on I answered the darn - I’m cooperating here!
• Would you crack the fuckin’ window open, man. You know, it’s proven that second-hand smoke is, uh, carcin-… uh, you know, cancer related or something. - View Quote Details on Would you crack the fuckin’ window open, man. You know,…
• Well…he never done this before. My boss said I can take $100 off of that Truecoat! - View Quote Details on Well…he never done this before. My boss said I can…
• Stay away from me, man! Hey, go smoke a fuckin’ peace pipe! - View Quote Details on Stay away from me, man! Hey, go smoke a fuckin’…
• [when her husband, Norm, kisses her] Ya got Arby’s all over me. - View Quote Details on [when her husband, Norm, kisses her] Ya got Arby’s all…
• See these are personal matters. - View Quote Details on See these are personal matters.
• What do yo think they do there? They don’t drink milkshakes I assure you. - View Quote Details on What do yo think they do there? They don’t drink…
• Mike Yanagita: You’re such a Supa Lady!! - View Quote Details on Mike Yanagita: You’re such a Supa Lady!!
• Mike Yanagita: She had…leukemia - View Quote Details on Mike Yanagita: She had…leukemia
• [on the phone] Oh my. Where? Yeah? Aw geez. Okay, there in a jif. Real good, then. - View Quote Details on [on the phone] Oh my. Where? Yeah? Aw geez. Okay,…
• [After Grimsrud has shot a cop right next to him] Whoa, daddy. - View Quote Details on [After Grimsrud has shot a cop right next to him]…
• Shep! What the hell are you doing! I was bangin’ that girl! - View Quote Details on Shep! What the hell are you doing! I was bangin’…

About Fargo

Fargo is a 1996 film about an inept car salesman’s attempted crime falls apart due to his and his henchmen’s bungling and the persistence of a pregnant police officer. Directed by Joel Coen. Written by Joel Coen and Ethan Coen. Small town. Big crime. Dead cold. Taglines </center> .

Fargo Taglines

• A lot can happen in the middle of nowhere.
• An ordinary place, an extraordinary thriller.
• A homespun murder story.

Fargo Cast

• Steve Park - Mike Yanagita
• Harve Presnell - Wade Gustafson
• Kristin Rudrüd - Jean Lundegaard
• Frances McDormand - Marge Gunderson
• William H. Macy - Jerry Lundegaard
• Steve Buscemi - Carl Showalter
• Bruce Bohne - Lou
• Cliff Rakerd - Officer Olson
• Peter Stormare - Gaear Grimsrud
• Bain Boehlke - Mr. Mohra
• John Carroll Lynch - Norm Gunderson

• It is the nature of men, having escaped one extreme, which by force they were constrained long to endure, to run headlong into the other extreme, forgetting that virtue doth always consist in the mean. - View Quote Details on It is the nature of men, having escaped one extreme,…
• Even such is time, that takes in trust
  Our youth, our joys, our all we have,
  And pays us but with age and dust;
  Who in the dark and silent grave,
  When we have wandered all our ways,
  Shuts up the story of our days.
  But from this earth, this grave, this dust,
  My God shall raise me up, I trust! - View Quote Details on Even such is time, that takes in trust
  Our youth, our…
• Whoso taketh in hand to govern a multitude, either by way of liberty or principality, and cannot assure himself of those persons that are enemies to that enterprise, doth frame a state of short perseverance. - View Quote Details on Whoso taketh in hand to govern a multitude, either by…
• War begets quiet, quiet idleness, idleness disorder, disorder ruin; likewise ruin order, order virtue, virtue glory and good fortune. - View Quote Details on War begets quiet, quiet idleness, idleness disorder, disorder ruin; likewise…
• The world itself is but a larger prison, out of which some are daily selected for execution. - View Quote Details on The world itself is but a larger prison, out of…
• Whoso desireth to govern well and securely, it behoveth him to have a vigilant eye to the proceedings of great princes, and to consider seriously of their designs. - View Quote Details on Whoso desireth to govern well and securely, it behoveth him…
• [History] hath triumphed over time, which besides it nothing but eternity hath triumphed over. - View Quote Details on [History] hath triumphed over time, which besides it nothing but…
• If all the world and love were young,
  And truth in every shepherd’s tongue,
  These pretty pleasures might me move
  To live with thee and be thy Love. - View Quote Details on If all the world and love were young,
  And truth in…
• Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. - View Quote Details on Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
• O eloquent, just, and mighty Death! whom none could advise, thou hast persuaded; what none hath dared, thou hast done; and whom all the world hath flattered, thou only hast cast out of the world and despised; thou hast drawn together all the far-stretched greatness, all the pride, cruelty, and ambition of man, and covered it all over with these two narrow words, Hic jacet [Here lies]! - View Quote Details on O eloquent, just, and mighty Death! whom none could advise,…
• Every fool knoweth that hatreds are the cinders of affection. - View Quote Details on Every fool knoweth that hatreds are the cinders of affection.
• Bestow therefore thy youth so, that thou mayest have comfort to remember it when it hath forsaken thee, and not sigh and grieve at the account thereof. - View Quote Details on Bestow therefore thy youth so, that thou mayest have comfort…
• All, or the greatest part of men that have aspired to riches or power, have attained thereunto either by force or fraud, and what they have by craft or cruelty gained, to cover the foulness of their fact, they call purchase, as a name more honest. Howsoever, he that for want of will or wit useth not those means, must rest in servitude and poverty. - View Quote Details on All, or the greatest part of men that have aspired…
• All histories do shew, and wise politicians do hold it necessary that, for the well-governing of every Commonweal, it behoveth man to presuppose that all men are evil, and will declare themselves so to be when occasion is offered. - View Quote Details on All histories do shew, and wise politicians do hold it…
• Silence in love bewrays more woe
  Than words, though ne’er so witty:
  A beggar that is dumb, you know,
  May challenge double pity. - View Quote Details on Silence in love bewrays more woe
  Than words, though ne’er so…
• Methought I saw the grave where Laura lay. - View Quote Details on Methought I saw the grave where Laura lay.
• But it is hard to know them [flatterers] from friends, they are so obsequious, and full of protestations; for as a wolf resembles a dog, so doth a flatterer a friend. - View Quote Details on But it is hard to know them [flatterers] from friends,…
• Fain would I, but I dare not; I dare, and yet I may not;
  I may, although I care not, for pleasure when I play not. - View Quote Details on Fain would I, but I dare not; I dare, and…
• Cowards fear to die; but courage stout,
  Rather than live in snuff, will be put out. - View Quote Details on Cowards fear to die; but courage stout,
  Rather than live in…
• Even such is time, that takes on trust
  Our youth, our joys, our all we have,
  And pays us but with earth and dust;
  Who, in the dark and silent grave,
  When we have wandered all our ways,
  Shuts up the story of our days;
  But from this earth, this grave, this dust
  My God shall raise me up, I trust! - View Quote Details on Even such is time, that takes on trust
  Our youth, our…
• So the heart be right, it is no matter which way the head lies. - View Quote Details on So the heart be right, it is no matter which…
• Shall I, like an hermit, dwell
  On a rock or in a cell? - View Quote Details on Shall I, like an hermit, dwell
  On a rock or in…
• Our passions are most like to floods and streams;
  The shallow murmur, but the deep are dumb. - View Quote Details on Our passions are most like to floods and streams;
  The shallow…
• There is nothing exempt from the peril of mutation. - View Quote Details on There is nothing exempt from the peril of mutation.
• Be advised what thou dost discourse of, and what thou maintainest whether touching religion, state, or vanity; for if thou err in the first, thou shalt be accounted profane; if in the second, dangerous; if in the third, indiscreet and foolish. - View Quote Details on Be advised what thou dost discourse of, and what thou…
• Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. - View Quote Details on Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
• He that doth not as other men do, but endeavoureth that which ought to be done, shall thereby rather incur peril than preservation; for whoso laboureth to be sincerely perfect and good shall necessarily perish, living among men that are generally evil. - View Quote Details on He that doth not as other men do, but endeavoureth…
• No man is wise or safe, but he that is honest. - View Quote Details on No man is wise or safe, but he that is…

About Walter Raleigh

Sir Walter Raleigh (1554 – October 29, 1618) is famed as a writer, poet, spy, and explorer. Note that many alternate spellings of his surname exist, including Rawley, Ralegh, and Rawleigh; although “Raleigh” appears most commonly today, he himself used that spelling only once. His most consistent preference was for “Ralegh”.

• I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it. - View Quote Details on I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this…
• Here’s something you don’t hear said about many movie critics: people love Roger Ebert…. There’s a good reason for this: Ebert doesn’t stand between moviegoers and the audience. Rather, his regular readers are serious movie-lovers who see him as their rep, the guy out there fighting to make movies less stupid, more entertaining, more intelligent, more everything. You don’t have to agree with him — and I certainly didn’t in this book, when he ragged on Team America and Jesus is Magic, two movies where I laughed myself sick — to know that he’s on your side. He sees the bad movies so you don’t have to, and he’s seen the same ones over and over…. Mere bile, though, isn’t his game; he’s as interested in why movies fail as why they work. A lot of the time, it’s obvious: because it’s made by morons for morons. In these cases, Ebert drags us through the plot in as entertaining a fashion as possible…. Forty years on, he’s still a moviegoer’s best friend. - View Quote Details on Here’s something you don’t hear said about many movie critics:…
• Occasionally an unsuspecting innocent will stumble into a movie like this and send me an anguished postcard, asking how I could possibly give a favorable review to such trash. My stock response is Ebert’s Law, which reads: A movie is not about what it is about. It is about how it is about it. - View Quote Details on Occasionally an unsuspecting innocent will stumble into a movie like…
• Blue Velvet contains scenes of such raw emotional energy that it’s easy to understand why some critics have hailed it as a masterpiece. A film this painful and wounding has to be given special consideration. - View Quote Details on Blue Velvet contains scenes of such raw emotional energy that…
• Since the scenes where they’re together are so much less convincing than the ones where they fall apart, watching the movie is like being on a double-date from hell. - View Quote Details on Since the scenes where they’re together are so much less…
• I had a hard time watching Wolf Creek. It is a film with one clear purpose: To establish the commercial credentials of its director by showing his skill at depicting the brutal tracking, torture and mutilation of screaming young women. When the killer severs the spine of one of his victims and calls her “a head on a stick,” I wanted to walk out of the theater and keep on walking. - View Quote Details on I had a hard time watching Wolf Creek. It is…
• The Golden Thumb is not as good as the Oscar, but it is a lot of fun. - View Quote Details on The Golden Thumb is not as good as the Oscar,…
• Boat Trip arrives preceded by publicity saying many homosexuals have been outraged by the film. Now that it’s in theaters, everybody else has a chance to join them. Not that the film is outrageous. That would be asking too much. It is dim-witted, unfunny, too shallow to be offensive, and way too conventional to use all of those people standing around in the background wearing leather and chains and waiting hopefully for their cues. This is a movie made for nobody, about nothing. - View Quote Details on Boat Trip arrives preceded by publicity saying many homosexuals have…
• Dances With Wolves has the kind of vision and ambition that is rare in movies today. It is not a formula movie, but a thoughtful, carefully observed story. It is a Western at a time when the Western is said to be dead. It asks for our imagination and sympathy. It takes its time, three hours, to unfold. It is a personal triumph for Kevin Costner, the intelligent young actor of Field of Dreams, who directed the film and shows a command of story and of visual structure that is startling; this movie moves so confidently and looks so good it seems incredible that it’s a directorial debut. - View Quote Details on Dances With Wolves has the kind of vision and ambition…
• The movie delights me with its cocky confidence that the audience can keep up. Primer is a film for nerds, geeks, brainiacs, Academic Decathlon winners, programmers, philosophers and the kinds of people who have made it this far into the review. It will surely be hated by those who ‘go to the movies to be entertained’, and embraced and debated by others, who will find it entertains the parts the others do not reach. - View Quote Details on The movie delights me with its cocky confidence that the…
• There is a word for this movie, and that word is: Ick. - View Quote Details on There is a word for this movie, and that word…
• I began my work as a film critic in 1967. I had not thought to be a film critic, and indeed had few firm career plans apart from vague notions that I might someday be a political columnist or a professor of English.
  Robert Zonka, who was named the paper’s feature editor the same day I was hired at the Chicago Sun-Times, became one of the best friends of a lifetime. One day in March 1967, he called me into a conference room, told me that Eleanor Keen, the paper’s movie critic, was retiring, and that I was the new critic. I walked away in elation and disbelief, yet hardly suspected that this day would set the course for the rest of my life. - View Quote Details on I began my work as a film critic in 1967…
• Parents: If you encounter teenagers who say they liked this movie, do not let them date your children. - View Quote Details on Parents: If you encounter teenagers who say they liked this…
• Dirty Love wasn’t written and directed, it was committed. Here is a film so pitiful, it doesn’t rise to the level of badness. It is hopelessly incompetent… I am not certain that anyone involved has ever seen a movie, or knows what one is. - View Quote Details on Dirty Love wasn’t written and directed, it was committed. Here…
• I could list some Japanese films illustrating this, but the last thing the audience for Memoirs of a Geisha wants to see is a more truthful film with less gorgeous women and shabbier production values. - View Quote Details on I could list some Japanese films illustrating this, but the…
• I saw The Lonely Guy all by myself. It was one of those Saturday afternoons where the snow is coming down gray and mean, and you can’t even get a decent recorded message on the answering machines of strangers… “Good luck,” an usher told me. “You’re going to need it.” He was right… The Lonely Guy is the kind of movie that seems to have been made to play in empty theaters on overcast January afternoons… [It] is the kind of movie that inspires you to distract yourself by counting the commercial products visible on the screen, and speculating about whether their manufacturers paid fees to have them worked into the movie. I counted two Diet 7-Ups, two Tabs, and Steve Martin. - View Quote Details on I saw The Lonely Guy all by myself. It was…
• Mad Dog Time is the first movie I have seen that does not improve on the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time. Oh, I’ve seen bad movies before. But they usually made me care about how bad they were. Watching Mad Dog Time is like waiting for the bus in a city where you’re not sure they have a bus line…Mad Dog Time should be cut into free ukulele picks for the poor. - View Quote Details on Mad Dog Time is the first movie I have seen…
• Some of these reviews were written in joyous zeal. Others with glee. Some in sorrow, some in anger, and a precious few with venom, of which I have a closely guarded supply. When I am asked, all too frequently, if I really sit all the way through these movies, my answer is inevitably: Yes, because I want to write the review.
  I would guess that I have not mentioned my Pulitzer Prize in a review except once or twice since 1975, but at the moment I read Rob Schneider’s extremely unwise open letter to Patrick Goldstein, I knew I was receiving a home-run pitch, right over the plate. Other reviews were written in various spirits, some of them almost benevolently, but of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, all I can say is that it is a movie made to inspire the title of a book like this. - View Quote Details on Some of these reviews were written in joyous zeal. Others…
• I’ve been reviewing movies for a long time, and I can’t think of one that more dramatically shoots itself in the foot. - View Quote Details on I’ve been reviewing movies for a long time, and I…
• This is a plot, if ever there was one, to illustrate King Lear’s complaint, “As flies to wanton boys, are we to the gods; They kill us for their sport.” I am aware this is the second time in two weeks I have been compelled to quote Lear, but there are times when Eminem simply will not do. - View Quote Details on This is a plot, if ever there was one, to…
• Why did they give an R rating to a movie perfect for teenagers? - View Quote Details on Why did they give an R rating to a movie…
• Well, what is a political film? A film about politicians? Or a film about issues — sexism, racism, the environment, nuclear policy? I decided on the broader definition. If I’d limited myself to films about politicians, it would have been a short list: How many characters in any mainstream American movie seem aware of the political process, or belong to a party? - View Quote Details on Well, what is a political film? A film about politicians?…
• Life’s missed opportunities, at the end, may seem more poignant to us than those we embraced–because in our imagination they have a perfection that reality can never rival. - View Quote Details on Life’s missed opportunities, at the end, may seem more poignant…
• To know me is to love me. This cliche is popular for a reason, because most of us, I imagine, believe deep in our hearts that if anyone truly got to know us, they’d truly get to love us - or at least know why we’re the way we are. The problem in life, maybe the central problem, is that so few people ever seem to have sufficient curiosity to do the job on us that we know we deserve. - View Quote Details on To know me is to love me. This cliche is…
• Once is the kind of film I’ve been pestered about ever since I started reviewing again. People couldn’t quite describe it, but they said I had to see it. I had to. Well, I did. They were right. - View Quote Details on Once is the kind of film I’ve been pestered about…
• The movie created a spot of controversy… Rob Schneider took offense when Patrick Goldstein of the Los Angeles Times listed this year’s Best Picture nominees and wrote that they were “ignored, unloved, and turned down flat by most of the same studios that… bankroll hundreds of sequels, including a follow-up to Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic.”
  Schneider retaliated by attacking Goldstein in full-page ads in Daily Variety and the Hollywood Reporter. In an open letter to Goldstein, Schneider wrote: “Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind…. Maybe you didn’t win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven’t invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who’s Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers…” - View Quote Details on The movie created a spot of controversy… Rob Schneider took…
• irony [is] a fashionable response to the experience of being had. - View Quote Details on irony [is] a fashionable response to the experience of being…
• The Bucket List is a movie about two old codgers who are nothing like people, both suffering from cancer that is nothing like cancer, and setting off on adventures that are nothing like possible. I urgently advise hospitals: Do not make the DVD available to your patients; there may be an outbreak of bedpans thrown at TV screens. - View Quote Details on The Bucket List is a movie about two old codgers…
• Deuce Bigalow is aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience. The best thing about it is that it runs for only 75 minutes. … Does this sound like a movie you want to see? It sounds to me like a movie that Columbia Pictures and the film’s producers … should be discussing in long, sad conversations with their inner child. - View Quote Details on Deuce Bigalow is aggressively bad, as if it wants to…
• Little Indian, Big City is one of the worst movies ever made. I detested every moronic minute of it…if you, under any circumstances, see Little Indian, Big City, I will never let you read one of my reviews again. - View Quote Details on Little Indian, Big City is one of the worst movies…
• To see strong acting like this is exhilarating. In a time of flashy directors who slice and dice their films in a dizzy editing rhythm, it is important to remember that films can look and listen and attentively sympathize with their characters. Directors grow great by subtracting, not adding, and Eastwood does nothing for show, everything for effect. - View Quote Details on To see strong acting like this is exhilarating. In a…
• Caligula is sickening, utterly worthless, shameful trash. If it is not the worst film I have ever seen, that makes it all the more shameful: People with talent allowed themselves to participate in this travesty. Disgusted and unspeakably depressed, I walked out of the film after two hours of its 170-minute length. That was on Saturday night, as a line of hundreds of people stretched down Lincoln Ave., waiting to pay $7.50 apiece to become eyewitnesses to shame…”This movie,” said the lady in front of me at the drinking fountain, “is the worst piece of shit I have ever seen.” - View Quote Details on Caligula is sickening, utterly worthless, shameful trash. If it is…
• You should never send an expert to a movie about his specialty. Boxers hate boxing movies. Space buffs said ‘Apollo 13′ showed the wrong side of the moon. The British believe Mel Gibson’s scholarship was faulty in ‘Braveheart’ merely because some of the key characters hadn’t been born at the time of the story. ‘Hackers’ is, I have no doubt, deeply dubious in the computer science department. While it is no doubt true that in real life no hacker could do what the characters in this movie do, it is no doubt equally true that what hackers can do would not make a very entertaining movie. - View Quote Details on You should never send an expert to a movie about…
• A movie should present its characters with a problem and then watch them solve it, not without difficulty. So says an old and reliable screenplay formula. Countless movies have been made about a boy and a girl who have a problem (they haven’t slept with each other) and after difficulties (family, war, economic, health, rival lover, stupid misunderstanding) they solve it by sleeping with each other. Now we have a movie about two homosexuals that follows the same reliable convention. - View Quote Details on A movie should present its characters with a problem and…
• I read all the movie reviews, especially those of Ebert, a graceful and witty prose stylist with profound erudition, whose reviews are worth reading just for themselves, whether or not I have any intention of viewing the movie… Ebert, the smart and handsome one, gave thumbs up to my first movie [Garfield: The Movie ], but [Richard] Roeper, the other one, gave thumbs down and was particularly unkind. He went on forever attacking Ebert for liking Garfield. This from a man with enough taste to praise Duma. How very disappointing. One of Roeper’s complaints was that I was animated and all of the other characters in the movie were “real.” Do you have any idea how a statement like that hurts an actor who has worked all of his life as a media cat? Yes, Richard Roeper, I was animated. Read my lips: I am a character in a comic strip. - View Quote Details on I read all the movie reviews, especially those of Ebert,…
• Attending this new version, I felt oddly as if I were watching a provincial stock company doing the best it could without the Broadway cast. I was reminded of the child prodigy who was summoned to perform for a famous pianist. The child climbed onto the piano stool and played something by Chopin with great speed and accuracy. The great musician then patted the child on the head and said, ‘You can play the notes. Someday, you may be able to play the music.’ - View Quote Details on Attending this new version, I felt oddly as if I…
• …it is widely but wrongly believed that Beavis and Butt-Head celebrates its characters, and applauds their sublime lack of values, taste and intelligence. I’ve never thought so. I believe Mike Judge would rather die than share a taxi ride to the airport with his characters–that for him, B&B function like Dilbert’s co-workers in the Scott Adams universe. They are a target for his anger against the rising tide of stupidity. - View Quote Details on …it is widely but wrongly believed that Beavis and Butt-Head…
• Wild Wild West is a comedy dead zone. You stare in disbelief as scenes flop and die. The movie is all concept and no content; the elaborate special effects are like watching money burn on the screen. You know something has gone wrong when a story is about two heroes in the Old West, and the last shot is of a mechanical spider riding off into the sunset. - View Quote Details on Wild Wild West is a comedy dead zone. You stare…
• This sucks on so many levels. - View Quote Details on This sucks on so many levels.
• The movie stars six teenage characters who have been marketed on TV and in toy stores. They have names, but no discernible personalities. None of them ever says anything more interesting than “You guys!” As teenagers, they are skilled in-line skaters and karate fighters, but they don’t get their real powers until they turn into faceless clones in Power Rangers uniforms with plastic masks and helmets. Is that the message? Faceless conformity is the way to success? Certainly the Rangers are not individuals in or out of uniform, but I wonder if they don’t represent a triumph of merchandising over creativity. Children’s heroes have traditionally been individualistic and eccentric. The Rangers are not, properly speaking, even characters. They are color-coded products…Paging through the movie’s press kit, I came across this quote attributed to Amy Jo Johnson, who plays Kimberly, the Pink Power Ranger: ” `Mighty Morphin Power Rangers™: The Movie’ is a mix between Star Wars and The Wizard of Oz. ” I wonder if Amy Jo actually said “TM” when she was delivering that wonderfully fresh and spontaneous quote, which is so much more involved than anything she says in the movie. More to the point, I wonder if she has ever seen “Star Wars” or “The Wizard of Oz.” - View Quote Details on The movie stars six teenage characters who have been marketed…
• Let me tell you a story. The day after Columbine, I was interviewed for the Tom Brokaw news program. The reporter had been assigned a theory and was seeking sound bites to support it. “Wouldn’t you say,” she asked, “that killings like this are influenced by violent movies?” No, I said, I wouldn’t say that. “But what about Basketball Diaries?” she asked. “Doesn’t that have a scene of a boy walking into a school with a machine gun?” The obscure 1995 Leonardo Di Caprio movie did indeed have a brief fantasy scene of that nature, I said, but the movie failed at the box office (it grossed only $2.5 million), and it’s unlikely the Columbine killers saw it. The reporter looked disappointed, so I offered her my theory. “Events like this,” I said, “if they are influenced by anything, are influenced by news programs like your own. When an unbalanced kid walks into a school and starts shooting, it becomes a major media event. Cable news drops ordinary programming and goes around the clock with it. The story is assigned a logo and a theme song; these two kids were packaged as the Trench Coat Mafia. The message is clear to other disturbed kids around the country: If I shoot up my school, I can be famous. The TV will talk about nothing else but me. Experts will try to figure out what I was thinking. The kids and teachers at school will see they shouldn’t have messed with me. I’ll go out in a blaze of glory.”
  In short, I said, events like Columbine are influenced far less by violent movies than by CNN, the NBC Nightly News and all the other news media, who glorify the killers in the guise of “explaining” them. I commended the policy at the Sun-Times, where our editor said the paper would no longer feature school killings on Page 1. The reporter thanked me and turned off the camera. Of course the interview was never used. They found plenty of talking heads to condemn violent movies, and everybody was happy. - View Quote Details on Let me tell you a story. The day after Columbine,…
• Roger Ebert is a national treasure. He is the most recognizable and well known movie critic. He has been my favorite writer for some time now. I do not always agree with his opinions, which is my right, but he always backs them up. He is not someone who will say that such and such about movie X is bad and leave it at that — he will give the reasons for his thought process. - View Quote Details on Roger Ebert is a national treasure. He is the most…
• This movie doesn’t scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels. - View Quote Details on This movie doesn’t scrape the bottom of the barrel. This…
• I have discovered a goodness and decency in people as exhibited in all the letters, e-mails, flowers, gifts and prayers that have been directed my way. I am overwhelmed and humbled. I offer you my most sincere thanks and my deep and abiding gratitude. If I ever write my memoirs, I have some spellbinding material. How does the Joni Mitchell song go? “Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone”? One thing I’ve discovered is that I love my job more than I thought I did, and I love my wife even more! - View Quote Details on I have discovered a goodness and decency in people as…
• Films like Fargo are why I love the movies. - View Quote Details on Films like Fargo are why I love the movies.
• Wild Things is lurid trash, with a plot so twisted they’re still explaining it during the closing titles. It’s like a three-way collision between a softcore sex film, a soap opera and a B-grade noir. I liked it. Movies such as this either entertain or offend audiences; there’s no neutral ground. Either you’re a connoisseur of melodramatic comic vulgarity, or you’re not. You know who you are. I don’t want to get any postcards telling me this movie is in bad taste. I’m warning you: It is in bad taste. Bad taste elevated to the level of demented sleaze. - View Quote Details on Wild Things is lurid trash, with a plot so twisted…
• Going to see Godzilla at the Palais of the Cannes Film Festival is like attending a satanic ritual in St. Peter’s Basilica. It’s a rebuke to the faith that the building represents. Cannes touchingly adheres to a belief that film can be intelligent, moving and grand. Godzilla is a big, ugly, ungainly device to give teenagers the impression they are seeing a movie. It was the festival’s closing film, coming at the end like the horses in a parade, perhaps for the same reason. - View Quote Details on Going to see Godzilla at the Palais of the Cannes…
• Here’s a movie that stretches out every moment for more than it’s worth, until even the moments of inspiration seem forced. Since the basic idea of the movie is a good one and there are talented people in the cast, what we have here is a film shot down by its own forced and mannered style. - View Quote Details on Here’s a movie that stretches out every moment for more…
• The director, whose name is Pitof, was probably issued with two names at birth and would be wise to use the other one on his next project. - View Quote Details on The director, whose name is Pitof, was probably issued with…
• Is xXx a threat to the Bond franchise? Not a threat so much as a salute. I don’t want James Bond to turn crude and muscular on me; I like the suave style. But I like Xander, too, especially since he seems to have studied Bond so very carefully. - View Quote Details on Is xXx a threat to the Bond franchise? Not a…
• What Charlize Theron achieves in Patty Jenkins’ “Monster” isn’t a performance but an embodiment. With courage, art and charity, she empathizes with Aileen Wuornos, a damaged woman who committed seven murders. She does not excuse the murders. She simply asks that we witness the woman’s final desperate attempt to be a better person than her fate intended. - View Quote Details on What Charlize Theron achieves in Patty Jenkins’ “Monster” isn’t a…

About Roger Ebert

Roger Ebert (born 18 June 1942 ) is a Chicago Sun-Times film critic.

• Motherfuckas…(as he takes off his shirt)…get naked for ya. So you motherfuckas can look in my asshole see if you find any sin. Stupid bitch….what you know about God? - View Quote Details on Motherfuckas…(as he takes off his shirt)…get naked for ya. So…
• (To a female caller who asks why he curses so much) “Motherfucker, ’cause I’m God!” - View Quote Details on (To a female caller who asks why he curses so…
• “Well, bitch healing come by faith in me…. Bitch you gotta come and bow yo’ goddamn knee to me and ask me what you want out of faith. If he be God [sarcastically]! Like, you know, they did in Matthew Verse 1. Like the devil did God. Why you come out and play the role of the devil? Cause I say I’m God? Cause-a you competitive, huh bitch? If ye be God turn this rock here into breadt [spelled with a t]! Muthafucka! I am God, bitch!” (In response to the comment “I want to know if you’re going to heal all these diseases on this Earth” by a female caller named Janet) - View Quote Details on “Well, bitch healing come by faith in me…. Bitch you…
• (Reading from Bible) ‘…that make a man offended towards, and lay a snare…’ You know, they try and trip a nigga up like me you know ’cause I ain’t- I ain’t followin’ whitey’s rules! You know… - View Quote Details on (Reading from Bible) ‘…that make a man offended towards, and…
• And house niggas, bitch-made ass nincomfuckingpoops, uh, monkey-minded, afrocentric muh-fuckas–you wan’ call me and tell me yo’ opinion, but, uh, if you callin’ and you seein’ that I”m doin’ something wrong… you love Jesus, then don’t you love me enough to give me the correct route? Cause that’s all I’m servin’ yours. Shovin’ it straight between yo’ fuckin’ eyes! You can’t even real-ize! - View Quote Details on And house niggas, bitch-made ass nincomfuckingpoops, uh, monkey-minded, afrocentric muh-fuckas–you…
• “You lucky the cops ain’t around — ’cause they the only motherfuckers who can’t save your ass!” (laughs mockingly) - View Quote Details on “You lucky the cops ain’t around — ’cause they the…
• (Begins to unbutton his shirt) “I gotta keep my motherfuckin’ shirt on. Motherfucker. I can get naked for you assholes. Motherfucker, ’cause it’s my world. And every motherfuckin’ thing in it. That’s including yo’ asshole too.” - View Quote Details on (Begins to unbutton his shirt) “I gotta keep my motherfuckin’…
• You trust in the devil, huh? Well if God sent the devil, in the name of Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit, then motherfucker you fucked up, huh? You fucked up, huh, you know yo’ ass is doomed! - View Quote Details on You trust in the devil, huh? Well if God sent…
• The ‘erf ([Earth]) is my turf. That’s a rap. That’s a rap for yo’ muthafuckin’ ass. - View Quote Details on The ‘erf ([Earth]) is my turf. That’s a rap. That’s…
• The devil is a motherfuckin’ liar. So you know I ain’t worried, biotch! Stupid bitch. - View Quote Details on The devil is a motherfuckin’ liar. So you know I…
• Stupid-ass house nigga! - View Quote Details on Stupid-ass house nigga!
• You will repent for your past, or rest your own motherfuckin’ ass. What I’m sincerely trying to say is, check yo’ self, motherfucka, ‘fore you wreck yo’ self. - View Quote Details on You will repent for your past, or rest your own…
• Motherfucker I ain’t no corrupt corru- communication came out mah mouf, you know what the corrup-corru-minication is? That’s when you talk about the devil ‘he the devil!’ yo- yo motherfuckin’ communications is corrupt. Whateva! Whateva ‘den I’m wrong! You got me now! You got me now! You got me now oh you figured me out! You fuckin’ nincom-fucking-poop. You figured me out! You got me red han’ed! - View Quote Details on Motherfucker I ain’t no corrupt corru- communication came out mah…
• I come in the name of Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit; any, anybody, anybody resistin’ can goddamn my ass kissin’! - View Quote Details on I come in the name of Jesus by the power…
• (Getting frustrated with a caller) “Goddamn, every ignorant motherfuckin’ house nigga in all the motherfuckin’ South Central wanna call and fuck with the Lord.” - View Quote Details on (Getting frustrated with a caller) “Goddamn, every ignorant motherfuckin’ house…
• You motherfuckers won’t understand ’till I’m bringing some sharp-ass tempered steel around upon yo’ goddamn neck. That’s when you gonna understand me. Motherfucker. - View Quote Details on You motherfuckers won’t understand ’till I’m bringing some sharp-ass tempered…
• No way you’ll never make it. Come wit the weak shit, I’ll break it. Step into my zone-ass scriptures will stifle yo’ punk ass! - View Quote Details on No way you’ll never make it. Come wit the weak…
• Why you cursin’, bitch?! - View Quote Details on Why you cursin’, bitch?!
• (To a caller who says tells the reverend that he isn’t God) “But, I *AM*! Biotch! Stupid fuck! Goddamn–goddamn blasphemer! You’re a goddamn sinner! That’s what the fuck you is. Motherfucker. - View Quote Details on (To a caller who says tells the reverend that he…
• (Getting frustrated with a female caller) “Bitch, I’m flowin’ straight from the survival scroll! Cut that bitch off! Next caller.” - View Quote Details on (Getting frustrated with a female caller) “Bitch, I’m flowin’ straight…
• Fuck dat, I got dat glock locked back! - View Quote Details on Fuck dat, I got dat glock locked back!
• If you don’t mind, God don’t mind, playing yo’ wicked ass at the end of time. - View Quote Details on If you don’t mind, God don’t mind, playing yo’ wicked…
• “IF!!!” (While interrupting the comment “I wanna know, if you God…” by a female caller named Tasha). - View Quote Details on “IF!!!” (While interrupting the comment “I wanna know, if you…
• “FUCK YO THOUGHTS! I’M GOD!!!…and bitch, you not” (To a caller saying he isn’t God). - View Quote Details on “FUCK YO THOUGHTS! I’M GOD!!!…and bitch, you not” (To a…
• Because you nincom-fuckin’-poops don’t know Jesus from Glory Halle-stupid, I will stick my sword in that ass so fast you would swear my name is Cupid ! - View Quote Details on Because you nincom-fuckin’-poops don’t know Jesus from Glory Halle-stupid, I…
• You can’t hang wit me, bitch! - View Quote Details on You can’t hang wit me, bitch!
• Are you laughin’, biotch? Ha! - View Quote Details on Are you laughin’, biotch? Ha!
• I don’t believe you. Why you ignorant motherfuckers keep callin’ me? I’m lookin’ for my 144,000 who know these scriptures, and not who think they believe. That’s how they convicted O.J., they convicted O.J. with they think they believe. (Imitating jury) ‘I think I believe O.J.–’ Who gives a FUCK?! You ain’t seen shit! - View Quote Details on I don’t believe you. Why you ignorant motherfuckers keep callin’…
• (After a caller claims he is not God) “BUT…I….AM!!!” - View Quote Details on (After a caller claims he is not God) “BUT…I….AM!!!”
• What the fuck you doin’ for God? You slang that pussy but it aint for God! - View Quote Details on What the fuck you doin’ for God? You slang that…

• Irony, some say, is the art of juxtaposing incongruous parts. One needs a knowing distance. Irony presupposes detachment, which, in the case of Animal Rights, we may forgive Doctor Dillamond for being without. - View Quote Details on Irony, some say, is the art of juxtaposing incongruous parts…
• Irony is an insult conveyed in the form of a compliment. - View Quote Details on Irony is an insult conveyed in the form of a…
• ‘Twas thine own genius gave the final blow,
  And help’d to plant the wound that laid thee low:
  So the struck eagle, stretch’d upon the plain,
  No more through rolling clouds to soar again,
  View’d his own feather on the fatal dart,
  And wing’d the shaft that quiver’d in his heart. - View Quote Details on ‘Twas thine own genius gave the final blow,
  And…
• If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money that it values more, it will lose that too. - View Quote Details on If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will…
• God is an iron. - View Quote Details on God is an iron.
• The presence of irony does not necessarily mean that the earnestness is excluded. Only assistant professors assume that. - View Quote Details on The presence of irony does not necessarily mean that the…
• The ironist is not bitter, he does not seek to undercut everything that seems worthy or serious, he scorns the cheap scoring-off of the wisecracker. He stands, so to speak, somewhat at one side, observes and speaks with a moderation which is occasionally embellished with a flash of controlled exaggeration. He speaks from a certain depth, and thus he is not of the same nature as the wit, who so often speaks from the tongue and no deeper. The wit’s desire is to be funny; the ironist is only funny as a secondary achievement. - View Quote Details on The ironist is not bitter, he does not seek to…
• Given a long enough time, of course, a wide enough frame, there is nothing said or done, ever, that isn’t ironic in the end. - View Quote Details on Given a long enough time, of course, a wide enough…
• Irony is a qualification of subjectivity. - View Quote Details on Irony is a qualification of subjectivity.
• Irony is the gaiety of reflection and the joy of wisdom. - View Quote Details on Irony is the gaiety of reflection and the joy of…
• Throughout human history, we have been dependent on machines to survive. Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony. - View Quote Details on Throughout human history, we have been dependent on machines to…
• Irony limits, finitizes, and circumscribes and thereby yields truth, actuality, content; it disciplines and punishes and thereby yields balance and consistency. - View Quote Details on Irony limits, finitizes, and circumscribes and thereby yields truth, actuality,…
• Surely the cosmic irony that loves men’s dullness because it alone can preserve them from madness, and retorts upon the cosmic terrors with a jest, is higher than gallantry and more enduring. It arrives at tolerance for all human shortcomings; it embraces high and low in its sympathies; it achieves urbanity as a final goal. It is the stuff of which great literature is made. - View Quote Details on Surely the cosmic irony that loves men’s dullness because it…
• He knew that women appreciated neither irony nor sarcasm, but simple jokes and funny stories. He was amply provided with both. - View Quote Details on He knew that women appreciated neither irony nor sarcasm, but…
• Irony is the form of paradox. Paradox is what is good and great at the same time. - View Quote Details on Irony is the form of paradox. Paradox is what is…
• Time changes all things and cultivates even in herself an appreciation of irony. - View Quote Details on Time changes all things and cultivates even in herself an…
• Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.
  If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father’s, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.
  Irony is “a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result.” For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony.
  If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein’s army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large.
  Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley’s son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley’s son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum’s son, that will be precisely ironic. - View Quote Details on Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with…
• Irony is the cultivation of the spirit and therefore follows next after immediacy; then comes the ethicist, then the humourist, then the religious person. - View Quote Details on Irony is the cultivation of the spirit and therefore follows…

About Irony

Quotes on the subject of irony.

• (to Bishop, after offering her anger management counciling) You would do that for me? I appreciate that. I really do. But I think I’d rather you just WASH THE FUCKING DISHES AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! Fucking psychobabble bullshit asshole! - View Quote Details on (to Bishop, after offering her anger management counciling) You would…
• What! (to Mitch). What do you want! Get back in the fucking training room ass cock! God damn these fucking cooks. I hate them..I HATE THEM! Twenty minutes for two medium rare steaks. This is bullshit! They need to get rid of everyone of these lousy cock sucking (emerges from kitchen) So how is everything? - View Quote Details on What! (to Mitch). What do you want! Get back in…
• The goat! ohhhh the goat….you bastard… - View Quote Details on The goat! ohhhh the goat….you bastard…
• I’d do her (Amy). Hell I’d probably even pay… I would. - View Quote Details on I’d do her (Amy). Hell I’d probably even pay… I…
• That was the SHIT! (After Mitch’s rant) - View Quote Details on That was the SHIT! (After Mitch’s rant)
• You think I want to have kids? Absolutely not. That’s why I stick to anal sex. - View Quote Details on You think I want to have kids? Absolutely not. That’s…
• What happens in the kitchen, ends up on the plate. - View Quote Details on What happens in the kitchen, ends up on the plate.
• Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? Come on, man. You can’t be mixing Mexican and Continental. Come on, Man. I thought you was better than that. - View Quote Details on Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? Come on, man…
• Welcome to Thunderdome, bitch! - View Quote Details on Welcome to Thunderdome, bitch!
• Take anything that he gives you, with a shot of penicillin. - View Quote Details on Take anything that he gives you, with a shot of…
• I hate this fucking place sometimes, you know. Why the fuck do we need four more people on at this time of day, man? Look at this place, it’s fucking dead! I swear, Dan needs to clean the *shit* out of his fucking brain sometimes, man. Fucking asshole. What are you looking at, fuck-wad? - View Quote Details on I hate this fucking place sometimes, you know. Why the…
• Bitch, what makes you think I won’t cut you? - View Quote Details on Bitch, what makes you think I won’t cut you?
• It’s so angry! - View Quote Details on It’s so angry!
• I know what you’re thinking now. You think we’re all gay, don’t you? Think we’re all just a bunch of deviant lifestyle-living same-sex having motherfuckers, am I right? Well, listen. You can put that faggoty baby to bed right now. None of the guys that work here are gay. - View Quote Details on I know what you’re thinking now. You think we’re all…
• Damn child proof lighters. - View Quote Details on Damn child proof lighters.
• I think I might name my daughter chlamydia. - View Quote Details on I think I might name my daughter chlamydia.
• Come on, Mom. Of course I’m being safe. I pull out. - View Quote Details on Come on, Mom. Of course I’m being safe. I pull…
• Oohh, it’s so veiny! - View Quote Details on Oohh, it’s so veiny!
• Correct me if I’m wrong, but haven’t I been inside you? - View Quote Details on Correct me if I’m wrong, but haven’t I been inside…
• Birds of a feather flock to vagina. - View Quote Details on Birds of a feather flock to vagina.
• Well. I want a hot pink center. - View Quote Details on Well. I want a hot pink center.
• Fuck you, bitch! - View Quote Details on Fuck you, bitch!
• What, the fuck, ever! - View Quote Details on What, the fuck, ever!
• Sir yes sir! Blue cheese for you stat! Have a good day big guy. - View Quote Details on Sir yes sir! Blue cheese for you stat! Have a…
• It’s good in a sense that I can take walks in my underwear; I can give small children the middle finger. But as long as I look happy while I’m doing it, people just assume I’m senile…. Well, sometimes I give small children the middle finger and don’t realize I’m doing it until someone slaps me, so I really am going senile. - View Quote Details on It’s good in a sense that I can take walks…
• And as if some kind of slut magic, POOF, you appear at my door - View Quote Details on And as if some kind of slut magic, POOF, you…
• Unless you’re combing the playground for middle schoolers, don’t become an asshole like Monty. - View Quote Details on Unless you’re combing the playground for middle schoolers, don’t become…
• You see, I don’t work within the exact boundaries of the law because I wasn’t consulted when the goddamn laws were made. No, instead, nameless, faceless politicians, the so-called protectors of the moral majority decide what is right and what is wrong. I mean, come on! I govern my life around my own personal code of ethics, and I suggest that you do the same. That way if, within the constructs of my own morality I were to do something that was considered illegal, so be it. I feel no guilt whatsoever. And furthermore, if I were to buckle under the social weight of the system by adhering to laws that I do not truly believe in, then I would be extinguishing the very fire of patriotism and individuality. - View Quote Details on You see, I don’t work within the exact boundaries of…
• Everyone knows that I’m orally fixated, and you can’t deny that I played your vagina like a violin. - View Quote Details on Everyone knows that I’m orally fixated, and you can’t deny…
• Mama said they my magic shoes. Mama say they take me anywhere. Of course Mama use to beat me with a rubber hose and call me a retard. - View Quote Details on Mama said they my magic shoes. Mama say they take…
• (To Monty) How many time I gotta tell you man, its the Fuckin T-Dog yo. - View Quote Details on (To Monty) How many time I gotta tell you man,…
• We almost had to switch to the 10-second rule! - View Quote Details on We almost had to switch to the 10-second rule!
• I guess we should feel some sort of guilt, but she broke the cardinal rule: don’t fuck with people who handle your food. - View Quote Details on I guess we should feel some sort of guilt, but…

About Waiting…

Waiting.. is a 2005 film about servers in a restaurant. Written and Directed by Rob McKittrick.

• Hey, guys! Guess what? Keep on reading! How are you? I hope you are fine. I am not fine - as you can no doubt tell from me hanging here from the ceiling fixture. You are the ones who drove me to this. I was doing just fine until you fuckers came along. I hope you’re happy now that I’m goddamn dead. Signed, The Corpse in This Room. P.S: Fuck you people! - View Quote Details on Hey, guys! Guess what? Keep on reading! How are you?…
• Mickey Mouse ’s birthday being announced on the television news as if it’s an actual event: I don’t give a shit! If I cared about Mickey Mouse’s birthday I’d have memorized it years ago! And I’d send him a card: “Dear Mickey, Happy Birthday. Love, George.” I don’t do that! Why? Don’t give a shit! Fuck Mickey Mouse. Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick! Then break it off and beat him with the rest of it! I hope Mickey dies. I do, I hope he goddamn dies. I hope he gets ahold of some tainted cheese… and dies, lonely and forgotten behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom in a poor neighborhood, with his hand in Goofy ’s pants. Mickey Mouse - no wonder no one in the world takes our country seriously; we waste valuable television time informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent! - View Quote Details on Mickey Mouse ’s birthday being announced on the television news…
• Try explaining Hitler to a kid. - View Quote Details on Try explaining Hitler to a kid.
• …You know what my daddy used to say? My daddy used to say blab-blaba-dab blab-blaba-dab blaba-dab-dab-dab. Oh, he did, did he? Well, wasn’t that fuckin’ enlightening? My daddy used to say ‘Fuck yo’ daddy!” Grow up Billy-Joe Carl Bob Danny Frank. You’re not 6 anymore; more like 9. - View Quote Details on …You know what my daddy used to say? My daddy…
• People I can do without. This is my list: guys in their fifties named “Skip”. Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. An airline pilot who has on two different shoes. A proctologist with poor depth perception. A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. A dentist with blood in his hair. Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals. A funeral director who says “Hope to see you folks again real soon!” Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. A man with only one lip. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. People who actually know the second verse to “The Star-Spangled Banner”. Any lawyer who refers to the police as the “Federalies”. A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! A brain surgeon with “Born to Lose” tattooed on his hands. Couples whose children’s names all start with the same initials. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. People who have large gums and small teeth. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. All right, that’s enough of that. - View Quote Details on People I can do without. This is my list: guys…
• Here’s another bunch of ignorant shit: school uniforms. Bad theory. The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school it helps keep order. Don’t these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike? Now they’re gonna make them look alike too? And it’s not a new idea. I first saw it in news reels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand ’cause the narration was in German! - View Quote Details on Here’s another bunch of ignorant shit: school uniforms. Bad theory…
• There are a lot of little things about our bodies that we all know, but we never talk about. That’s what interests me. These are practically universal experiences; nobody mentions them! Some of them are disgusting. Some of them are appallingly revolting and degrading even to the most degenerate mind. So let’s get started with a couple of them. - View Quote Details on There are a lot of little things about our bodies…
• So I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family. - View Quote Details on So I say live and let live. That’s my motto…
• Here’s another little practical joke for the driver. When you’re going through the toolbooth. Well, not actually through the booth itself. That would be a BIG practical joke! I mean when you’re going through the little space in between the booths. When you get up to the window and the man sticks out his hand, bargain with him! Try to get yourself a better deal. Tell him you heard it was “Free Chevorlet Day”! Tell him it’s a used road and you’re looking for a discount! Tell him you have no money, you spent it all on pussy and beer! That’ll wake him up; especially if you’re a woman! - View Quote Details on Here’s another little practical joke for the driver. When you’re…
• “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “big pain in the ass”. - View Quote Details on “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “big pain in the…
• I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. - View Quote Details on I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I…
• Would someone just put a dick in that guy’s mouth please? ‘Cause that’s what he wants. He’s a cocksucker in disguise. He’s got his mouth open ’cause he wants someone to cum in it. Now, if you wanna keep making noise, motherfucker, and we can find you that way or you’re just a punk coward asshole bullshit loud motherfucker and you’re gonna shut up now so we don’t find out where the fuck you’re sitting. ‘Cause if you keep it up, we’ll grab your ass and throw you in the fucking street where you belong, with your mother! And I’m fucking her in the asshole every night anyway, so fuck you and your sister and your wife! If you got a kid, I hope your fucking kid dies in a car fire! How do you like that, you stupid cocksucker? Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here! … You know? See … You gotta use psychology. You gotta be a bit of a psychologist up here and know how to appeal to a person. - View Quote Details on Would someone just put a dick in that guy’s mouth…
• This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, “Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died.” “Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday.” “Yeah? … Didn’t help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow down his cancer. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil’s death. How do you live with yourself?” - View Quote Details on This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in…
• Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. - View Quote Details on Don’t give your money to the church. They should be…
• Here are some more men who oughta be strapped to a gurney and castrated with fishing knives. White guys who shave their heads completely bald. They’re so ashamed they lost eleven hairs, they try to turn it to some kind of a masculine statement. I say hey, you goofy-lookin’ baldy-headed fuck! Looks good on black guys, on you it’s ugly, repulsive and disgusting. You wanna be bald? Do what I did – wait a while. In the meantime there’s no excuse for running around looking like a freshly circumcized dick. - View Quote Details on Here are some more men who oughta be strapped to…
• Another word you don’t hear too often is dingleberries. You know, you never hear it on Meet the Press. I think it’s because dingleberries is one of those words you don’t say too much past your tenth birthday. It’s not a grown-up’s word; it’s a kid’s word. Dingleberries! It always sounded kind of Christmas-y to me. Don’t you think it has a holiday ring to it? Dingleberries. John, you might want to hang some dingleberries over the front door. Then when Marianne comes over, she can kiss you under the dingleberries! “It is to be devoutly wished … that she would kiss me … under the dingleberries.” - View Quote Details on Another word you don’t hear too often is dingleberries. You…
• They’re gonna get goverment off your back, but they’re gonna tell you how to live your sex life. And let me ask you this, how would they know anything about that? Have you ever looked at any of these people? No wonder they’re afraid of their bodies, just look at them. Don’t you find it mildly ironic that most people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t wanna fuck in the first place? - View Quote Details on They’re gonna get goverment off your back, but they’re gonna…
• The Aztecs loved human sacrifice. And they were good at it. Well, they got a lot of practice. For instance, right around the year 1500, the Aztecs sacrificed 80,000 people in one ceremony. OK? 80,000 people, one ceremony. You know what the occasion was? They were opening a new temple. Nothing like religion for a little entertainment, huh? Especially that old-time religion… - View Quote Details on The Aztecs loved human sacrifice. And they were good at…
• Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He’d say, “I’m goin’ upstairs and fuck your grandmother.” He was an honest man, and he wasn’t going to bullshit a four-year-old. - View Quote Details on Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He’d say,…
• Now, if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. Next time you’re at the computer get on the internet. Go to Wikipedia. When you get to Wikipedia in the search field…. type in ‘Japanese-American 1942′ and you’ll find out all about your precious fucking rights, okay?…. In 1942 there were 110,000 Japanese-American citizens in good standing, law abiding people, who were thrown in internment camps, simply because their parents were born in the wrong country. That’s all they did wrong. They had no right to a lawyer, no right to a fair trial, no right to a jury of their peers, no right to due process of any kind. The only right they had? ‘Right this way…. into the internment camps.’ Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most their government took them away. And rights aren’t rights if someone can take them away. They’re privileges. That’s all we’ve ever had in this country is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter and shorter….. Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize that the government doesn’t give a fuck about them. The government doesn’t care about you or your children or your rights or your welfare or your safety. It simply doesn’t give a fuck about you. It’s interested in its own power, that’s the only thing, keeping it and expanding it wherever possible…. - View Quote Details on Now, if you think you do have rights, one last…
• Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms. - View Quote Details on Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45…
• I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn’t selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that’s perfectly legal to give away? I can’t follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm! - View Quote Details on I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal…
• “In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure…” Roof flies off! “…an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your face and breathe normally.” Well, I have no problem with that. I always breathe normally when I’m in a 600-mile-an-hour uncontrolled vertical dive. I also shit normally - right in my pants! - View Quote Details on “In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin…
• Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father’s, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. Irony is “a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result.” For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony. If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein’s army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley’s son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley’s son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum’s son, that will be precisely ironic. - View Quote Details on Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with…
• There’s a lot of things you could use to kill a guy with. You could probably beat a guy to death with the Sunday New York Times! - View Quote Details on There’s a lot of things you could use to kill…
• When they say “right to life”, they’re talking about their right to decide which people should live or die. - View Quote Details on When they say “right to life”, they’re talking about their…
• So what if some civilian contractor from Oklahoma gets his head cut off in Iraq? Fuck him! If you don’t want to get your head cut off, stay the fuck in Oklahoma! But if you’re going to go into someone else’s country carrying a weapon, you better expect some fucking action! - View Quote Details on So what if some civilian contractor from Oklahoma gets his…
• I’m a modern man, digital and cost free; a man for the millennium a diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been uplinked and downloaded; I’ve been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. - View Quote Details on I’m a modern man, digital and cost free; a man…
• I don’t feel like watching “Raymond Blows the Milkman,”… I think I’ll clip my fuckin’ toenails! - View Quote Details on I don’t feel like watching “Raymond Blows the Milkman,”… I…
• “Every child is special.” Boy, they said it over and over, as if to convince themselves, “every child is special”, and I kept saying, “fuuuck you!” Every child is clearly not special. - View Quote Details on “Every child is special.” Boy, they said it over and…
• You know what the national emblem of this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting, and seated on a chair next to him, the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. - View Quote Details on You know what the national emblem of this country ought…
• A lot of people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don’t have to lie; tell the judge the truth. Tell him you’d make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people [clicks his tongue] just like that! - View Quote Details on A lot of people try to get out of jury…
• About this time, somebody is telling you to get on the plane. “Get on the plane, get on the plane.” I say, “Fuck you, I’m getting in the plane! In the plane! Let Evel Knievel get on the plane - I’ll be in here with you folks in uniform! There seems to be less wind in here!” - View Quote Details on About this time, somebody is telling you to get on…
• {On his work appearing on the Internet} It’s a conflicted feeling. I’m really a populist, down in the very center of me. I like the power people can accrue for themselves, and I like the idea of user-generated content and taking power from the corporations. The other half of the conflict, though, is that, traditionally speaking, artists are protected from copyright infringement. Fortunately, I don’t have to worry about solving this issue. It’s someone else’s job. - View Quote Details on {On his work appearing on the Internet} It’s a conflicted…
• I’d like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. Fuck him and his balls and his bicycles and his steroids and his yellow shirts and the dumb empty expression on his face. I’m tired of that asshole. And while you’re at it, fuck Tiger Woods too! There’s another jackoff I can do without. I’m tired of being told who to admire in this country. Aren’t you? Aren’t you sick of being told who your heroes ought to be? Being told who you outta look up too. I’ll choose my own heroes, thank you very much. And fuck Dr. Phil too! - View Quote Details on I’d like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. Fuck…
• It’s a great country, but it’s a strange culture. This is a country where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs! Where tobacco kills millions of people every year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns… AND THEY’RE GOING TO KEEP THE FUCKING REAL ONES! - View Quote Details on It’s a great country, but it’s a strange culture. This…
• Cannibalism. Imagine that: chowing down on another human being. You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man. You gotta be really fucking hungry. But it happens, doesn’t it? Still happens to this day. A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness run out of pop tarts, gotta eat something. Might as well be Steve. And by the way, how do you decide who to eat first? How do you decide who’s first on the barbecue rack? Do you pick on the little guy because he’s skinny and he can’t fight back, or do you all gang up on the bodybuilder because he’s got a lot of steaks and chops on him? - View Quote Details on Cannibalism. Imagine that: chowing down on another human being. You…
• It’s all bullshit, folks, and it’s bad for ya. - View Quote Details on It’s all bullshit, folks, and it’s bad for ya.
• Here are some musical vermin whose mothers we wish had had medical plans that included abortion. These singers who think they’re so special they only need one name. Bono, Sting, Jewel, Tiffany, Prince … what a crock of shit, get a fucking last name, would you, please? I have a two word name for you: Pretentious Cocksucker. How do you like that? Bono, Sting … it’s not bad enough the music sucks, but with no last name, you can’t find out where they live to throw a fucking bomb through their window. - View Quote Details on Here are some musical vermin whose mothers we wish had…
• The next time you’re at the supermarket, get a shopping cart and FILL IT to the top; I mean a HUGE mound of groceries! Then go up to the lines, look for somebody with one item and ask if you can get ahead of them. “Do you mind?? For Christ’s sake, I’m in a hurry! I only have eleven hundred items!” - View Quote Details on The next time you’re at the supermarket, get a shopping…
• No one is “openly” black. Well, maybe James Brown. Or Louis Farrakhan. Louis Farrakhan is openly black. Colin Powell is not openly black. Colin Powell is openly white. He just “happens to be” black. - View Quote Details on No one is “openly” black. Well, maybe James Brown. Or…
• They’re against Street Crime as long as that street isn’t Wall Street - View Quote Details on They’re against Street Crime as long as that street isn’t…
• The last thing they need is for you to stop and get out of your car and go over to the fire, because by now it is a fire, and start bothering them with a lot of stupid questions. “Are you hurt?” Of course they’re hurt; look at all the blood! You just ran over them with a ton and a half of steel! - View Quote Details on The last thing they need is for you to stop…
• [George Carlin's last joke on television.] Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true: I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally, I lean toward unlimited rights - I feel, for instance, I have the right to do anything I please. But, if I do something you don’t like, I think you have the right to kill me. So where you gonna find a fairer fucking deal than that? So the next time some asshole says to you, “I have a right to my opinion,” you say, “Oh yeah? Well, I have a right to my opinion, and my opinion is that you have no right to your opinion.” Then shoot the fuck and walk away! - View Quote Details on [George Carlin's last joke on television.] Personally, when it comes…
• I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo, but he’ll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time. - View Quote Details on I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will…
• Not me, bullshit, fuck you, up yours, get laid, eat shit, drop dead, jack me off, suck this, I don’t need parts that badly, I’m not that sick! - View Quote Details on Not me, bullshit, fuck you, up yours, get laid, eat…
• Angels, shit. What about goblins? What about goblins, huh? Doesn’t anybody believe in goblins? You never hear about them except on Halloween, and it’s always negative shit too, you know. And zombies. Where the fuck are all the zombies? That’s the trouble with zombies, they’re unreliable. I say if you’re gonna buy the angel shit, you might go with the zombie package as well. - View Quote Details on Angels, shit. What about goblins? What about goblins, huh? Doesn’t…
• I decided to look around for something else to worship, something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that: overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can’t see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning. Several reasons: first of all, I can see the sun, okay? Yeah, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I’m big on that. If I can see something – I don’t know, kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So every day I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need: heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake – an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we’re not setting people on fire simply because they don’t agree with us. Sun worship is fairly simple. There’s no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I’m unworthy. Doesn’t tell me I’m a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn’t said an unkind word; treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But I don’t pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn’t presume on our friendship. It’s not polite. … You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. - View Quote Details on I decided to look around for something else to worship,…
• Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to the god question. Do you believe in God? No. Boom! Dead. Do you believe in God? Yes. Do you believe in my God? No. Boom! Dead. My god has a bigger dick than your god! - View Quote Details on Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong…
• You know something people don’t talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts. - View Quote Details on You know something people don’t talk about in public anymore?…
• “Bad hair day”: Where did this shit come from? What a superficial culture. Put on a hat and go to work, you shallow cunt! It’s a good thing Lewis & Clark never had a bad hair day. Or Daniel Boone, huh? Custer ? He had a really bad hair day. But he had it coming, that blond, blue-eyed criminal fuck… - View Quote Details on “Bad hair day”: Where did this shit come from? What…
• If my car should be in such a position where I can’t quite see what’s going on, can’t get a good enough look, I’m not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. “Pardon me, officer, would you mind dragging that twisted-looking chap over here a little closer to the car, please? My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Sugar Lips! That’s his ribcage sticking out the glove compartment. That will be all, officer. You can throw him back on the pile.” - View Quote Details on If my car should be in such a position where…

About George Carlin

George Dennis Carlin (May 12, 1937 –June 22, 2008 ) was a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor and author, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on language, psychology and religion along with many other taboo subjects.

• Now take a person in this congregation who has knowledge with regard to being saved in the kingdom of our God and our Father and being exalted, one who knows and understands the principles of eternal life, and sees the beauty and excellency of the eternities before him compared with the vain and foolish things of the world, and suppose that he is taken in a gross fault, that he has committed a sin he knows will deprive him of the exaltation he desires, and that he cannot attain to it without the shedding of his blood, and also knows that by having his blood shed he will atone for that sin, and be saved and exalted with the Gods, is there a man or woman in this house but would say, ’shed my blood that I might be saved and exalted with the Gods?’ All mankind love themselves, and let these principles be known by an individual and he would be glad to have his blood shed. That would be loving themselves, even unto an eternal exaltation. Will you love your brothers or sisters likewise, when they have committed a sin that cannot be atoned for without the shedding of their blood? Will you love that man or woman well enough to shed their blood?…I have known a great many men who have left this Church for whom there is no chance whatever for exaltation, but if their blood had been spilled, it would have been better for them. The wickedness and ignorance of the nations forbid this principle’s being in full force, but the time will come when the law of God will be in full force. - View Quote Details on Now take a person in this congregation who has knowledge…
• If I had a choice of educating my daughters or my sons because of opportunity constraints, I would choose to educate my daughters. - View Quote Details on If I had a choice of educating my daughters or…
• I don’t care about my character here on earth.I don’t care about what other people think or say about me, all I care about is my standing before the Lord. - View Quote Details on I don’t care about my character here on earth.I don’t…
• When you tell me that father Adam was made as we make adobies from the earth, you tell me what I deem an idle tale. When you tell me that the beasts of the field were produced in that manner, you are speaking idle words devoid of meaning. There is no such thing in all the eternities where the Gods dwell. Mankind are here because they are the offspring of parents who were first brought here from another planet, and power was given them to propagate their species, and they were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. The offspring of Adam and Eve are commanded to take the rude elements, and, by the knowledge God has given, to convert them into everything required for their life, health, adornment, wealth, comfort, and consolation. Have we the knowledge to do this? We have. Who gave us this knowledge? Our Father who made us; for he is the only wise God - View Quote Details on When you tell me that father Adam was made as…
• I will take the Government of the United States, and the laws of Missouri and Illinois, from the year 1833 to 1845, and if they had been carried out according to their letter and spirit, they would have strung up the murderers and mobocrats who illegally and unrighteously killed, plundered, harassed, and expelled us. I will tell you how much I love those characters. If they had any respect to their own welfare, they would come forth and say, whether Joseph Smith was a Prophet or not, “We shed his blood, and now let us atone for it;” and they would be willing to have their heads chopped off, that their blood might run upon the ground, and the smoke of it rise before the Lord as an incense for their sins. I love them that much. But if the Lord wishes them to live and foam out their sins before all men and women, it is all right, I care not where they go, or what they do. - View Quote Details on I will take the Government of the United States, and…
• Never let a day so pass that you will have cause to say, “I will live better to-morrow,” - View Quote Details on Never let a day so pass that you will have…
• We have the proof on hand, that instead of the laws being honored, they have been violated in every instance of persecution against this people; instead of the laws being made honorable, they have been trampled under the feet of lawyers, judges, sheriffs, governors, legislators, and nearly all the officers of the government; such persons are the most guilty of breaking the laws. To diverge a little, in regard to those who have persecuted this people and driven them to the mountains, I intend to meet them on their own grounds. It was asked this morning how we could obtain redress for our wrongs; I will tell you how it could be done, we could take the same law they have taken, viz., mobocracy, and if any miserable scoundrels come here, cut their throats. (All the people said, Amen.) This would be meting out that treatment to wicked men, which they had measured to innocent persons. We could meet them on their own ground, when they will not honor the law, but will kill the Prophets and destroy the innocent. - View Quote Details on We have the proof on hand, that instead of the…
• The Gospel that we preach is the power of God unto salvation; and the first principle of that Gospel is, as I have already said, faith in God, and faith in Jesus Christ His Son our Savior. We must believe that he is the character he is represented to be in the holy Scriptures. Believe that he told the truth when he said to his disciples, “Go ye forth and preach the Gospel to every creature; he that believeth and is baptized shall be saved, but he that believeth not shall be damned.” We must believe that this same Jesus was crucified for the sins of the world, that is for the original sin, not the actual individual transgressions of the people; not but that the blood of Christ will cleanse from all sin, all who are disposed to act their part by repentance, and faith in his name. But the original sin was atoned for by the death of Christ, although its effects we still see in the diseases, tempers and every species of wickedness with which the human family is afflicted. - View Quote Details on The Gospel that we preach is the power of God…
• You say, “That man ought to die for transgressing the law of God.” Let me suppose a case. Suppose you found your brother in bed with your wife, and put a javelin through both of them, you would be justified, and they would atone for their sins, and be received into the kingdom of God. I would at once do so in such a case; and under such circumstances, I have no wife whom I love so well that I would not put a javelin through her heart, and I would do it with clean hands. But you who trifle with your covenants, be careful lest in judging you will be judged. Every man and women has got to have clean hands and a pure heart, to execute judgment, else they had better let the matter alone. Again, suppose the parties are not caught in their iniquity, and it passes along unnoticed, shall I have compassion on them? Yes, I will have compassion on them, for transgressions of the nature already named, or for those of any other description. If the Lord so order it that they are not caught in the act of their iniquity, it is pretty good proof that He is willing for them to live; and I say let them live and suffer in the flesh for their sins, for they will have it to do. - View Quote Details on You say, “That man ought to die for transgressing the…
• In 1857 it is estimated that eleven thousand troops were ordered here; some seven thousand started for this place, with several thousand hangers on. They came into this Territory when a company of emigrants were traveling on the south route to California. Nearly all of the Company were destroyed by the Indians. That unfortunate affair has been laid to the charge of the whites. A certain judge that was then in this Territory wanted the whole army to accompany him to Iron county to try the whites for the murder of that company of emigrants. I told Governor Cumming that if he would take an unprejudiced judge into the district where that horrid affair occurred, I would pledge myself that every man in the regions round about should be forthcoming when called for, to be condemned or acquitted as an impartial, unprejudiced judge and jury should decide; and I pledged him that the court should be protected from any violence or hindrance in the prosecution of the laws; and if any were guilty of the blood of those who suffered in the Mountain Meadow massacre, let them suffer the penalty of the law; but to this day they have not touched the matter, for fear the Mormons would be acquitted from the charge of having any hand in it, and our enemies would thus be deprived of a favorite topic to talk about, when urging hostility against us. “The Mountain Meadow massacre! Only think of the Mountain Meadow massacre!!” is their cry from one end of the land to the other. - View Quote Details on In 1857 it is estimated that eleven thousand troops were…
• It is enough. This is the right place. Drive on. - View Quote Details on It is enough. This is the right place. Drive on.
• It has been observed here this morning that we are called fanatics. Bless me! That is nothing. Who has not been called a fanatic who has discovered anything new in philosophy or science? We have all read of Galileo the astronomer who, contrary to the system of astronomy that had been received for ages before his day, taught that the sun, and not the earth, was the centre of our planetary system? For this the learned astronomer was called “fanatic,” and subjected to persecution and imprisonment of the most rigorous character. So it has been with others who have discovered and explained new truths in science and philosophy which have been in opposition to long-established theories; and the opposition they have encountered has endured until the truth of their discoveries has been demonstrated by time. The term “fanatic” is not applied to professors of religion only…I will tell you who the real fanatics are: they are they who adopt false principles and ideas as facts, and try to establish a superstructure upon a false foundation. They are the fanatics; and however ardent and zealous they may be, they may reason or argue on false premises till doomsday, and the result will be false. If our religion is of this character we want to know it; we would like to find a philosopher who can prove it to us. We are called ignorant; so we are: but what of it? Are not all ignorant? I rather think so. Who can tell us of the inhabitants of this little planet that shines of an evening, called the moon? When we view its face we may see what is termed “the man in the moon,” and what some philosophers declare are the shadows of mountains. But these sayings are very vague, and amount to nothing; and when you inquire about the inhabitants of that sphere you find that the most learned are as ignorant in regard to them as the most ignorant of their fellows. So it is with regard to the inhabitants of the sun. Do you think it is inhabited? I rather think it is. Do you think there is any life there? No question of it; it was not made in vain. It was made to give light to those who dwell upon it, and to other planets; and so will this earth when it is celestialized. Every planet in its first rude, organic state receives not the glory of God upon it, but is opaque; but when celestialized, every planet that God brings into existence is a body of light, but not till then. Christ is the light of this planet. God gives light to our eyes. - View Quote Details on It has been observed here this morning that we are…
• Go to the United States, into Europe, or wherever you can come across men who have been in the midst of this people, and one will tell you that we are a poor, ignorant, deluded people; the next will tell you that we are the most industrious and intelligent people on the earth, and are destined to rise to eminence as a nation, and spread, and continue to spread, until we revolutionize the whole earth. If you pass on to the third man, and inquire what he thinks of the “Mormons,” he will say they are fools, duped and led astray by Joe Smith, who was a knave, a false Prophet, and a money digger. Why is all this? It is because there is a spirit in man. And when the Gospel of Jesus Christ is preached on the earth, and the kingdom of God is established, there is also a spirit in these things, and an Almighty spirit too. When these two spirits come in contact one with the other, the spirit of the Gospel reflects light upon the spirit which God has placed in man, and wakes him up to a consciousness of his true state, which makes him afraid he will be condemned, for he perceives at once that “Mormonism” is true. “Our craft is in danger,” is the first thought that strikes the wicked and dishonest of mankind, when the light of truth shines upon them. Say they, “If these people called Latter-day Saints are correct in their views, the whole world must be wrong, and what will become of our time-honoured institutions, and of our influence, which we have swayed successfully over the minds of the people for ages. This Mormonism must be put down.” - View Quote Details on Go to the United States, into Europe, or wherever you…
• Just ask yourselves, historians, when was monogamy introduced on to the face of the earth? When those buccaneers, who settled on the peninsula where Rome now stands, could not steal women enough to have two or three apiece, they passed a law that a man should have but one woman. And this started monogamy and the downfall of the plurality system. In the days of Jesus, Rome, having dominion over Jerusalem, they carried out the doctrine more or less. This was the rise, start and foundation of the doctrine of monogamy; and never till then was there a law passed, that we have any knowledge of, that a man should have but one wife. - View Quote Details on Just ask yourselves, historians, when was monogamy introduced on to…
• It is wise for us to forget our troubles, there are always new ones to replace them. - View Quote Details on It is wise for us to forget our troubles, there…
• Honest hearts produce honest actions. - View Quote Details on Honest hearts produce honest actions.
• I am the voice of God and anyone who doesn’t like it will be hewn down. God has revealed to me that I have the right and the power to call down curses on anyone who tries to invade our lands. Therefore, I curse the gentiles. - View Quote Details on I am the voice of God and anyone who doesn’t…
• Now, there is no harm in a teapot, even if it contains tea, if it is let alone. - View Quote Details on Now, there is no harm in a teapot, even if…
• [T]ake the Bible just as it reads; and if it be translated incorrectly, and there is a scholar on the earth who professes to be a Christian, and he can translate it any better than King James’s translators did it, he is under obligation to do so, or the curse is upon him. If I understood Greek and Hebrew as some may profess to do, and I knew the Bible was not correctly translated, I should feel myself bound by the law of justice to the inhabitants of the earth to translate that which is incorrect and give it just as it was spoken anciently. Is that proper? Yes, I would be under obligation to do it. But I think it is translated just as correctly as the scholars could get it, although it is not correct in a great many instances. But it is no matter about that. Read it and observe it and it will not hurt any person in the world. If we are not to believe the whole of the Bible, let the man, whoever he may be, among the professed Christians, who thinks he knows, draw the line between the true and the false, so that the whole sectarian world may be able to take the right and leave the wrong. But the man Christ Jesus, who has revealed himself in the latter days, says the Bible is true and the people must believe it. Let us believe it, and then obey it. - View Quote Details on [T]ake the Bible just as it reads; and if it…
• The time has been in Israel under the law of God, the celestial law, or that which pertains to the celestial law, for it is one of the laws of that kingdom where our Father dwells, that if a man was found guilty of adultery, he must have his blood shed, and that is near at hand. But now I say, in the name of the Lord, that if this people will sin no more, but faithfully live their religion, their sins will be forgiven them without taking life. - View Quote Details on The time has been in Israel under the law of…
• I have heard some make the broad assertion that every word within the lids of the Bible was the word of God. I have said to them, “You have never read the Bible, have you?” “O, yes, and I believe every word in it is the word of God.” Well, I believe that the Bible contains the word of God, and the words of good men and the words of bad men; the words of good angels and the words of bad angels and words of the devil; and also the words uttered by the ass when he rebuked the prophet in his madness. I believe the words of the Bible are just what they are; but aside from that I believe the doctrines concerning salvation contained in that book are true, and that their observance will elevate any people, nation or family that dwells on the face of the earth. The doctrines contained in the Bible will lift to a superior condition all who observe them; they will impart to them knowledge, wisdom, charity, fill them with compassion and cause them to feel after the wants of those who are in distress, or in painful or degraded circumstances. - View Quote Details on I have heard some make the broad assertion that every…
• I very well recollect the reformation which took place in the country among the various denominations of Christians-the Baptists, Methodists, Presbyterians, and others-when Joseph was a boy. Joseph’s mother, one of his brothers, and one, if not two, of his sisters were members of the Presbyterian Church, and on this account the Presbyterians hung to the family with great tenacity. And in the midst of these revivals among the religious bodies, the invitation, “Come and join our church,” was often extended to Joseph, but more particularly from the Presbyterians. Joseph was naturally inclined to be religious, and being young, and surrounded with this excitement, no wonder that he became seriously impressed with the necessity of serving the Lord. But as the cry on every hand was, “Lo, here is Christ,” and “Lo, there!” Said he, “Lord, teach me, that I may know for myself, who among these are right.” And what was the answer? “They are all out of the way; they have gone astray, and there is none that doeth good, no not one. When he found out that none were right, he began to inquire of the Lord what was right, and he learned for himself. Was he aware of what was going to be done? By no means. He did not know what the Lord was going to do with him, although He had informed him that the Christian churches were all wrong, because they had not the Holy Priesthood, and had strayed from the holy commandments of the Lord, precisely as the children of Israel did. - View Quote Details on I very well recollect the reformation which took place in…
• Some of you may doubt the truth of what I now say, and argue that the Lord could teach him. This is a mistake. The Lord could not have taught him in any other way than in the way in which He did teach him. You believe Adam was made of the dust of this earth. This I do not believe, though it is supposed that it is so written in the Bible; but it is not, to my understanding. You can write that information to the States, if you please-that I have publicly declared that I do not believe that portion of the Bible as the Christian world do. I never did, and I never want to. What is the reason I do not? Because I have come to understanding, and banished from my mind all the baby stories my mother taught me when I was a child. But suppose Adam was made and fashioned the same as we make adobies; if he had never drunk of the bitter cup; the Lord might have talked to him to this day, and he would have continued as he was to all eternity, never advancing one particle in the school of intelligence. This idea opens up a field of light to the intelligent mind. How can you know truth but by its opposite, or light but by its opposite? The absence of light is darkness. How can sweetness be known but by its opposite, bitter? It is by this means that we obtain all intelligence. - View Quote Details on Some of you may doubt the truth of what I…
• I will now say, not only to our delegate to Congress, but to the Elders who leave the body of the Church, that he thought that all the cats and kittens were let out of the bag when brother Pratt went back last fall, and published the Revelation concerning the plurality of wives: it was thought there was no other cat to let out. But allow me to tell you, Elders of Israel, and delegates to Congress, you may expect an eternity of cats, that have not yet escaped from the bag. Bless your souls, there is no end to them, for if there is not one thing, there will always be another. - View Quote Details on I will now say, not only to our delegate to…
• I want to live perfectly above the law, and make it my servant instead of my master. - View Quote Details on I want to live perfectly above the law, and make…
• I will tell you what this people need, with regard to preaching; you need, figuratively, to have it rain pitchforks, tines downwards, from this pulpit, Sunday after Sunday. Instead of the smooth, beautiful, sweet, still, silk-velvet-lipped preaching, you should have sermons like peals of thunder, and perhaps we then can get the scales from our eyes. This style is necessary in order to save many of this people. - View Quote Details on I will tell you what this people need, with regard…
• Angels are those beings who have been on an earth like this, and have passed through the same ordeals that we are now passing through. They have kept their first estate far enough to preserve themselves in the Priesthood. They did not so violate the law of the Priesthood and condemn themselves to the sin against the Holy Ghost as to be finally lost. They are not crowned with the celestial ones. They are persons who have lived upon an earth, but did not magnify the Priesthood in that high degree that many others have done who have become Gods, even the sons of God. Human beings that pertain to this world, who do not magnify or are not capable of magnifying their high calling in the Priesthood and receive crowns of glory, immortality, and eternal lives, will also, when they again receive their bodies, become angels and will receive a glory. They are single, without families or kingdoms to reign over. All the difference between men and angels is, men are passing through the day of trial that angels have already passed through. - View Quote Details on Angels are those beings who have been on an earth…
• I can sum up all the arguments used against Joseph Smith and “Mormonism” in a very few words, the merits of which will be found in OLD JOE SMITH. IMPOSTOR, MONEY DIGGER. OLD JOE SMITH. SPIRITUAL WIFE DOCTRINE. IMPOSTURE. THE DOCTRINE IS FALSE. MONEY DIGGER. FALSE PROPHET. DELUSION. SPIRITUAL WIFE DOCTRINE. Oh, my dear brethren and sisters, keep away from them, for the sake of your never dying souls. FALSE PROPHETS THAT SHOULD COME IN THE LAST DAYS. OLD JOE SMITH. ANTI-CHRIST. MONEY DIGGER, MONEY DIGGER, MONEY DIGGER. And the whole is wound up with an appeal, not to the good sense of the people, but to their unnatural feelings, in a canting, hypocritical tone, and there it ends. - View Quote Details on I can sum up all the arguments used against Joseph…
• Will the Constitution be destroyed? No: it will be held inviolate by this people; and, as Joseph Smith said, “The time will come when the destiny of the nation will hang upon a single thread. At that critical juncture, this people will step forth and save it from the threatened destruction.” It will be so. - View Quote Details on Will the Constitution be destroyed? No: it will be held…
• You will probably have what is called a Christian Church here; they will not admit that we are Christians, but they cannot think us further from the plan of salvation as revealed from heaven than we know them to be, so we are even on that ground, as far as it goes. - View Quote Details on You will probably have what is called a Christian Church…
• A good man, is a good man, whether in this church, or out of it. - View Quote Details on A good man, is a good man, whether in this…
• I never cared but for one thing, and that is, simply to know that I am right before my Father in Heaven. If I am this moment, this day doing the things God requires of my hands, and precisely where my Father in Heaven wants me to be, I care no more about tomorrow than though it would never come. - View Quote Details on I never cared but for one thing, and that is,…
• [I]f you have in your hearts to say…”we will not, therefore, be polygamists lest we should fail in obtaining some earthly honor, character and office, etc,”-the man that has that in his heart, and will continue to persist in pursuing that policy, will come short of dwelling in the presence of the Father and the Son, in celestial glory. The only men who become Gods, even the Sons of God, are those who enter into polygamy. Others attain unto a glory and may even be permitted to come into the presence of the Father and the Son; but they cannot reign as kings in glory, because they had blessing offered unto them, and they refused to accept them. The Lord gave a revelation through Joseph Smith, His servant; and we have believed and practiced it. - View Quote Details on [I]f you have in your hearts to say…”we will not,…

About Brigham Young

Brigham Young (June 1, 1801 – August 29, 1877 ) was the second prophet and president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He was also the first governor of the Utah Territory.

• Whereas civil rulers, not having their duty to the people duly before them, may attempt to tyrannize, and as military forces, which must be occasionally raised to defend our country, might pervert their power to the injury of their fellow citizens, the people are confirmed by the article in their right to keep and bear their private arms. - View Quote Details on Whereas civil rulers, not having their duty to the people…
• The rights of conscience, of bearing arms, of changing the government, are declared to be inherent in the people. - View Quote Details on The rights of conscience, of bearing arms, of changing the…
• The highest number to which, according to the best computation, a standing army can be carried in any country, does not exceed one hundredth part of the whole number of souls; or one twenty-fifth part of the number able to bear arms. This proportion would not yield, in the United States, an army of more than twenty-five or thirty thousand men. To these would be opposed a militia amounting to near half a million of citizens with arms in their hands, officered by men chosen from among themselves, fighting for the common liberties and united and conducted by governments possessing their affections and confidence. It may well be doubted whether a militia thus circumstanced could ever be conquered by such a proportion of regular troops. Those who are best acquainted with the late successful resistance of this country against the British arms will be most inclined to deny the possibility of it. Besides the advantage of being armed, which the Americans possess over the people of almost every other nation, the existence of subordinate governments, to which the people are attached and by which the militia officers are appointed, forms a barrier against the enterprises of ambition, more insurmountable than any which a simple government of any form can admit of. Notwithstanding the military establishments of the several kingdoms of Europe, which are carried as far as the public resources will bear, the governments are afraid to trust the people with arms. - View Quote Details on The highest number to which, according to the best computation,…
• I ask, who are the militia? They consist now of the whole people, except a few public officers. But I cannot say who will be the militia of the future day. If that paper on the table gets no alteration, the militia of the future day may not consist of all classes, high and low, and rich and poor…. - View Quote Details on I ask, who are the militia? They consist now of…
• The Constitution of most of our states (and of the United States) assert that all power is inherent in the people; that they may exercise it by themselves;… that it is their right and duty to be at all times armed and that they are entitled to freedom of person, freedom of religion, freedom of property, and freedom of press. - View Quote Details on The Constitution of most of our states (and of the…
• Nothing in the history, construction, or interpretation of the Amendment applies or infers such a protection. Rather, legal protection for personal self-defense arises from the British common law tradition and modern criminal law; not from constitutional law. - View Quote Details on Nothing in the history, construction, or interpretation of the Amendment…
• That the People have a right to keep and bear Arms; that a well regulated Militia, composed of the Body of the People, trained to arms, is the proper, natural, and safe Defence of a free state. - View Quote Details on That the People have a right to keep and bear…
• Madison did not invent the right to keep and bear arms when he drafted the Second Amendment–the right was pre-existing at both common law and in the early state constitutions. - View Quote Details on Madison did not invent the right to keep and bear…
• In framing a government which is to be administered by men over men, the great difficulty lies in this: you must first enable the government to control the governed; and in the next place oblige it to control itself. A dependence on the people is, no doubt, the primary control on the government; but experience has taught mankind the necessity of auxiliary precautions. - View Quote Details on In framing a government which is to be administered by…
• Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force. Whenever you give up that force, you are inevitably ruined. - View Quote Details on Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who…
• [A]rms like laws discourage and keep the invader and the plunderer in awe, and preserve order in the world as well as property. The balance of power is the scale of peace. The same balance would be preserved were all the world destitute of arms, for all would be alike; but since some will not others dare not lay them aside. And while a single nation refuses to lay them down, it is proper that all should keep them up. Horrid mischief would ensue were one half the world deprived of the use of them; for while avarice and ambition have a place in the heart of man, the weak will become a prey to the strong. The history of every age and nation establishes these truths, and facts need but little arguments when they prove themselves. - View Quote Details on [A]rms like laws discourage and keep the invader and the…
• Here every private person is authorized to arm himself, and on the strength of this authority, I do not deny the inhabitants had a right to arm themselves at that time, for their defense, not for offence. - View Quote Details on Here every private person is authorized to arm himself, and…
• [W]hen the resolution of enslaving America was formed in Great Britain, the British Parliament was advised by an artful man, who was governor of Pennsylvania, to disarm the people; that it was the best and most effectual way to enslave them; but that they should not do it openly, but weaken them, and let them sink gradually…. - View Quote Details on [W]hen the resolution of enslaving America was formed in Great…
• A militia when properly formed are in fact the people themselves…and include all men capable of bearing arms…To preserve liberty it is essential that the whole body of the people always posses arms, and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them…The mind that aims at a select militia, must be influenced by a truly anti-republican principle. - View Quote Details on A militia when properly formed are in fact the people…
• The militia, who are in fact the effective part of the people at large, will render many troops quite unnecessary. They will form a powerful check upon the regular troops, and will generally be sufficient to over-awe them. - View Quote Details on The militia, who are in fact the effective part of…
• To suppose arms in the hands of citizens, to be used at individual discretion, except in private self-defense, or by partial orders of towns, countries or districts of a state, is to demolish every constitution, and lay the laws prostrate, so that liberty can be enjoyed by no man; it is a dissolution of the government. The fundamental law of the militia is, that it be created, directed and commanded by the laws, and ever for the support of the laws. - View Quote Details on To suppose arms in the hands of citizens, to be…
• The majority falls prey to the delusion — popular in some circles — that ordinary people are too careless and stupid to own guns, and we would be far better off leaving all weapons in the hands of professionals on the government payroll. But the simple truth — born of experience — is that tyranny thrives best where government need not fear the wrath of an armed people… A revolt by Nat Turner and a few dozen other armed blacks could be put down without much difficulty; one by four million armed blacks would have meant big trouble. All too many of the other great tragedies of history — Stalin’s atrocities, the killing fields of Cambodia, the Holocaust, to name but a few — were perpetrated by armed troops against unarmed populations. Many could well have been avoided or mitigated, had the perpetrators known their intended victims were equipped with a rifle and twenty bullets apiece, as the Militia Act required here…. If a few hundred Jewish fighters in the Warsaw Ghetto could hold off the Wehrmacht for almost a month with only a handful of weapons, six million Jews armed with rifles could not so easily have been herded into cattle cars. - View Quote Details on The majority falls prey to the delusion — popular in…

About Second Amendment to the United States Constitution

The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution, relating to the right to bear arms, was enacted as part of the Bill of Rights, its ratification occuring on December 15, 1791 with the support of the Virginia Legislature.

• I am a Muslim and a Hindu and a Christian and a Jew and so are all of you. - View Quote Details on I am a Muslim and a Hindu and a Christian…
• A thread of hatred runs through the New Testament. - View Quote Details on A thread of hatred runs through the New Testament.
• “If you don’t worship me you will burn forever.” I always thought that was ugly. - View Quote Details on “If you don’t worship me you will burn forever.” I…
• The Catholic Church considered the Jews pestilent for fifteen hundred years, put them in ghettos, etc, because it recognized the Jews for what they were. … I recognize the representatives of this race as pestilent for the state and for the church and perhaps I am thereby doing Christianity a great service by pushing them out of schools and public functions. - View Quote Details on The Catholic Church considered the Jews pestilent for fifteen hundred…
• The idea that religion and politics don’t mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country. - View Quote Details on The idea that religion and politics don’t mix was invented…
• Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important. - View Quote Details on Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true,…
• Christianity demands the crucifixion of the intellect. - View Quote Details on Christianity demands the crucifixion of the intellect.
• The long-term goal of Christians in politics should be to gain exclusive control over the franchise. Those who refuse to submit publicly to the eternal sanctions of God by submitting to His Church’s public marks of the covenant–baptism and holy communion–must be denied citizenship, just as they were in ancient Israel. - View Quote Details on The long-term goal of Christians in politics should be to…
• Only a humorless tyrant could want a perpetual chanting of praises that, one has no choice but to assume, would be the innate virtues and splendors furnished him by his creator, infinite regression, drowned in praise! - View Quote Details on Only a humorless tyrant could want a perpetual chanting of…
• The heaviest blow that ever struck humanity was the coming of Christianity. Bolshevism is Christianty’s illegitimate child. Both are inventions of the Jew. The deliberate lie in the matter of religion was introduced into the world by Christianity. Bolshevism practices a lie of the same nature, when it claims to bring liberty to men, whereas in reality it seeks only to enslave them. In the ancient world the relations between men and gods were founded on instinctive respect. It was a world enlightened by the idea of tolerance. Christianity was the first creed in the world to exterminate its adversaries in the name of love. Its key note is intolerance. - View Quote Details on The heaviest blow that ever struck humanity was the coming…
• If the resurrection of Jesus cannot be believed except by assenting to the fantastic descriptions included in the Gospels, then Christianity is doomed. For that view of resurrection is not believable, and if that is all there is, then Christianity, which depends upon the truth and authenticity of Jesus’ resurrection, also is not believable. - View Quote Details on If the resurrection of Jesus cannot be believed except by…
• The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this. - View Quote Details on The word god is for me nothing more than the…
• The prevalence of evil and misery has always bothered those who believe in a benevolent and omnipotent God. Sometimes God is excused by pointing to the need for free will. Milton gives God this argument in Paradise Lost: I formed them free, and free they must remain
  Till they enthrall themselves: I else must change
  Their nature, and revoke the high decree
  Unchangeable, eternal, which ordained
  Their freedom; they themselves ordained their fall. It seems a bit unfair to my relatives to be murdered in order to provide an opportunity for free will for the Germans, but even putting that aside, how does free will account for cancer? Is it an opportunity of free will for tumors? - View Quote Details on The prevalence of evil and misery has always bothered those…
• You just come to them and look them straight in the eye and say, “Yes brother, I’m washed in the same blood as you.” It all comes in the blood—you hear all these sayings “power in the blood,” “are you washed in the blood,” it’s a very bloody religion. - View Quote Details on You just come to them and look them straight in…
• The National Government will regard it as its first and foremost duty to revive in the nation the spirit of unity and cooperation. It will preserve and defend those basic principles on which our nation has been built. It regards Christianity as the foundation of our national morality, and the family as the basis of national life. - View Quote Details on The National Government will regard it as its first and…
• Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son. - View Quote Details on Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and…
• We are a people of different faiths, but we are one. Which faith conquers the other is not the question; rather, the question is whether Christianity stands or falls. … We tolerate no one in our ranks who attacks the ideas of Christianity … in fact our movement is Christian. We are filled with a desire for Catholics and Protestants to discover one another in the deep distress of our own people. - View Quote Details on We are a people of different faiths, but we are…
• We are determined, as leaders of the nation, to fulfill as a national government the task which has been given to us, swearing fidelity only to God, our conscience, and our Volk. … This the national government will regard its first and foremost duty to restore the unity of spirit and purpose of our Volk. It will preserve and defend the foundations upon which the power of our nation rests. It will take Christianity, as the basis of our collective morality, and the family as the nucleus of our Volk and state, under its firm protection. … May God Almighty take our work into his grace, give true form to our will, bless our insight, and endow us with the trust of our Volk. - View Quote Details on We are determined, as leaders of the nation, to fulfill…
• The god of Moses would call for other tribes, including his favorite one, to suffer massacre and plague and even extirpation, but when the grave closed over his victims he was essentially finished with them unless he remembered to curse their succeeding progeny. Not until the advent of the Prince of Peace do we hear of the ghastly idea of further punishing and torturing the dead. - View Quote Details on The god of Moses would call for other tribes, including…
• We’ve staked our future on our abilty to follow the ten commandments with all our heart. - View Quote Details on We’ve staked our future on our abilty to follow the…
• I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: ‘I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept His claim to be God.’ That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would be either a lunatic—on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg—or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. - View Quote Details on I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really…
• Today we are engaged in a final, all-out battle between Communistic Atheism and Christianity. - View Quote Details on Today we are engaged in a final, all-out battle between…
• The Christian community has a golden opportunity to train an army of dedicated teachers who can invade the public school classrooms and use them to influence the nation for Christ. - View Quote Details on The Christian community has a golden opportunity to train an…
• We need a legal strategy which protects the rights of those of us who hold Christian convictions which will afford us the opportunity to contend once again for the mind of this culture. - View Quote Details on We need a legal strategy which protects the rights of…
• If you’re not a born-again Christian, you’re a failure as a human being. - View Quote Details on If you’re not a born-again Christian, you’re a failure as…
• I was in the beginning with the Father, and am the Firstborn[.] - View Quote Details on I was in the beginning with the Father, and am…
• I desire no other evidence of the truth of Christianity than the Lord’s Prayer. - View Quote Details on I desire no other evidence of the truth of Christianity…
• The [Supreme] Court, by seeking to equate Christianity with other religions, merely assaults the one faith. The Court in essence is assailing the true God by democratizing the Christian religion. - View Quote Details on The [Supreme] Court, by seeking to equate Christianity with other…
• Nearly all the Latin Fathers are Africans - Tertullian of Carthage, the Numid Arnobius of Sicca and his pupil Lactantius, Saint Cyprian of Carthage, the African Marius Victorinus, the Berber Saint Augustine, in short, all this glorious vanguard of Latin patristic culture. What splendid gifts these were from Africa to the Church of Rome while the latter had only the works of Saint Ambrose and of Saint Jerome to put in the Balance ! - View Quote Details on Nearly all the Latin Fathers are Africans - Tertullian of…
• All the western theologies are based on the concept of God as a senile delinquent. - View Quote Details on All the western theologies are based on the concept of…
• It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by religionists, but by christians; not on religions, but on the gospel of Jesus Christ. For that reason alone, people of other faiths have been afforded freedom of worship here. - View Quote Details on It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that…
• Hearken, O ye elders of my church, saith the Lord your God, who have assembled yourselves together, according to my commandments, in this land, which is the land of Missouri, which is the land which I have appointed and consecrated for the gathering of the saints.
  Wherefore, this is the land of promise, and the place for the city of Zion.
  And thus saith the Lord your God, if you will receive wisdom here is wisdom. Behold, the place which is now called Independence is the center place; and a spot for the temple is lying westward, upon a lot which is not far from the courthouse. - View Quote Details on Hearken, O ye elders of my church, saith the Lord…
• And the founder of Christianity made no secret indeed of his estimation of the Jewish people. When He found it necessary, He drove those enemies of the human race out of the Temple of God. - View Quote Details on And the founder of Christianity made no secret indeed of…
• In 1939, in a stadium much like this, in Munich Germany, they packed it out with young men and women in brown shirts, for a fanatical man standing behind a podium named Adolf Hitler, the personification of evil. And in that stadium, those in brown shirts formed with their bodies a sign that said, in the whole stadium, “Hitler, we are yours.” And they nearly took the world. Lenin once said, “give me 100 committed, totally committed men and I’ll change the world.” And, he nearly did. A few years ago, they took the sayings of Chairman Mao, in China, put them in a little red book, and a group of young people committed them to memory and put it in their minds and they took that nation, the largest nation in the world by storm because they committed to memory the sayings of the Chairman Mao. When I hear those kinds of stories, I think ‘what would happen if American Christians, if world Christians, if just the Christians in this stadium, followers of Christ, would say ‘Jesus, we are yours’? What kind of spiritual awakening would we have? - View Quote Details on In 1939, in a stadium much like this, in Munich…
• Everywhere and always, since its very inception, Christianity has turned the earth into a vale of tears; always it has made of life a weak, diseased thing, always it has instilled fear in man, turning him into a dual being, whose life energies are spent in the struggle between body and soul. In decrying the body as something evil, the flesh as the tempter to everything that is sinful, man has mutilated his being in the vain attempt to keep his soul pure, while his body rotted away from the injuries and tortures inflicted upon it.
  The Christian religion and morality extols the glory of the Hereafter, and therefore remains indifferent to the horrors of the earth. Indeed, the idea of self-denial and of all that makes for pain and sorrow is its test of human worth, its passport to the entry into heaven. - View Quote Details on Everywhere and always, since its very inception, Christianity has turned…
• The whole conception of a God is a conception derived from the ancient oriental despotisms. It is a conception quite unworthy of free men. When you hear people in church debasing themselves and saying that they are miserable sinners, and all the rest of it, it seems contemptible and not worthy of self-respecting human beings. We ought to stand up and look the world frankly in the face. We ought to make the best we can of the world, and if it is not so good as we wish, after all it will still be better than what these others have made of it in all these ages. A good world needs knowledge, kindliness, and courage; it does not need a regretful hankering after the past or a fettering of the free intelligence by the words uttered long ago by ignorant men. - View Quote Details on The whole conception of a God is a conception derived…
• I call Christianity the one great curse, the one great intrinsic depravity, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are venomous enough, or secret, subterranean and small enough — I call it the one immortal blemish upon the human race. - View Quote Details on I call Christianity the one great curse, the one great…
• I don’t reject your Christ, I love your Christ.It’s just that so many of you Christians are so unlike your Christ. - View Quote Details on I don’t reject your Christ, I love your Christ.It’s just…
• I said last year that Israel was entering into the most dangerous periods of its entire existence as a nation. That is intensifying this year with the loss of Sharon. … I think we need to look at the Bible and the Book of Joel. The prophet Joel makes it very clear that God has enmity against those who ‘divide my land.’ God considers this land to be His. You read the Bible and He says ‘this is my land’ and for any Prime Minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says ‘no, this is mine.’ I had a wonderful meeting with Yitzhak Rabin in 1974. He was tragically assassinated, it was a terrible thing that happened but nevertheless he was dead. And now Ariel Sharon who again was a very likeable person, a delightful person to be with, I prayed with him personally, but here he’s at the point of death. He was dividing God’s land and I would say woe unto any Prime Minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the EU, the United Nations, or the United States of America. God says ‘this land belongs to me. You’d better leave it alone.’ - View Quote Details on I said last year that Israel was entering into the…
• I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. - View Quote Details on I would never want to be a member of a…
• Christ says, “The Son of Man shall send forth His angels, and they shall gather out of His kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity, and shall cast them into a furnace of fire; there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth”; and He goes on about the wailing and gnashing of teeth. It comes in one verse after another, and it is quite manifest to the reader that there is a certain pleasure in contemplating wailing and gnashing of teeth, or else it would not occur so often. Then you all, of course, remember about the sheep and the goats; how at the second coming He is going to divide the sheep from the goats, and He is going to say to the goats: “Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire.” He continues: “And these shall go away into everlasting fire.” Then He says again, “If thy hand offend thee, cut it off; it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched, where the worm dieth not and the fire is not quenched.” He repeats that again and again also. I must say that I think all this doctrine, that hell-fire is a punishment for sin, is a doctrine of cruelty. It is a doctrine that put cruelty into the world, and gave the world generations of cruel torture; and the Christ of the Gospels, if you could take Him as his chroniclers represent Him, would certainly have to be considered partly responsible for that. - View Quote Details on Christ says, “The Son of Man shall send forth His…
• And he had caused the cursing to come upon them [the Lamanites, or Native Americans], yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity … wherefore, as they were white, and exceeding fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. - View Quote Details on And he had caused the cursing to come upon them…
• Our culture is superior. Our culture is superior because our religion is Christianity and that is the truth that makes men free. - View Quote Details on Our culture is superior. Our culture is superior because our…
• Christian mythology incorporated the cosmological theories current eighteen centuries ago. Dante found it a slight strain to combine this mythology with the facts known in his own day. Milton found it harder. Mr. Lewis finds it impossible. - View Quote Details on Christian mythology incorporated the cosmological theories current eighteen centuries ago…
• Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It’s no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.” - View Quote Details on Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so…
• Christianity has operated with an unmitigated arrogance and cruelty — necessarily, since a religion ordinarily imposes on those who have discovered the true faith the spiritual duty of liberating the infidels. - View Quote Details on Christianity has operated with an unmitigated arrogance and cruelty –…
• Christianity is most admirably adapted to the training of slaves, to the perpetuation of a slave society; in short, to the very conditions confronting us to-day. … The rulers of the earth have realized long ago what potent poison inheres in the Christian religion. That is the reason they foster it; that is why they leave nothing undone to instill it into the blood of the people. They know only too well that the subtleness of the Christian teachings is a more powerful protection against rebellion and discontent than the club or the gun. - View Quote Details on Christianity is most admirably adapted to the training of slaves,…
• I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won’t have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be! - View Quote Details on I hope I live to see the day when, as…
• The Catholic Church considered the Jews pestilent for fifteen hundred years, put them in ghettos, etc, because it recognized the Jews for what they were. … I recognize the representatives of this race as pestilent for the state and for the church and perhaps I am thereby doing Christianity a great service by pushing them out of schools and public functions. - View Quote Details on The Catholic Church considered the Jews pestilent for fifteen hundred…
• Evangelical Christianity, as everyone knows, is founded upon hate, as the Christianity of Christ was founded upon love” - View Quote Details on Evangelical Christianity, as everyone knows, is founded upon hate, as…

• Pete: My underwear is so far up my ass, I could taste it! - View Quote Details on Pete: My underwear is so far up my ass, I…
• Release the good. Release the awesome! - View Quote Details on Release the good. Release the awesome!
• Basketball Audience Member: Now that was some straight up David Copperfield shit! - View Quote Details on Basketball Audience Member: Now that was some straight up David…
• Blind Deacon: [after sensing Nicky's presence] You make the Lord very nervous. - View Quote Details on Blind Deacon: [after sensing Nicky's presence] You make the Lord…
• Get in the flask! - View Quote Details on Get in the flask!
• The shit has hit the fan, kid! - View Quote Details on The shit has hit the fan, kid!
• [After firing an arrow at Adrian through his genitals] Now, that hurt the both of us. - View Quote Details on [After firing an arrow at Adrian through his genitals] Now,…
• Townie: You can do it, Ozzy! Bite his frickin’ head off! - View Quote Details on Townie: You can do it, Ozzy! Bite his frickin’ head…
• The Prince of Darkness should have a sort of distinguished look to him, and let’s face facts, I’m no George Clooney! - View Quote Details on The Prince of Darkness should have a sort of distinguished…
• Popeye’s Chicken is fuckin’ awesome! - View Quote Details on Popeye’s Chicken is fuckin’ awesome!
• [while peeing on Todd's door mat titled "I Love Acting"] You love acting, I love pissing. - View Quote Details on [while peeing on Todd's door mat titled "I Love Acting"]…
• Kid’s got a lot of evil in him just beggin’ to come out! - View Quote Details on Kid’s got a lot of evil in him just beggin’…
• I never been to Earth, Dad! I never even slept over some other dude’s house! - View Quote Details on I never been to Earth, Dad! I never even slept…
• Gatekeeper: You can’t go through there! The fire flows in, not out! You really suck! - View Quote Details on Gatekeeper: You can’t go through there! The fire flows in,…
• Release the evil! - View Quote Details on Release the evil!
• Townie: You can do it, Nicky! Kick him in his hairy balls! - View Quote Details on Townie: You can do it, Nicky! Kick him in his…
• Priest: In today’s gospel, the Lord tells us how we should live if we wish to obtain the splendor of heaven… or something like that. Jesus this, Moses that, Abraham hit me with a wiffle ball bat! - View Quote Details on Priest: In today’s gospel, the Lord tells us how we…
• Gatekeeper: Now you’re gonna see what a big, horny bird actually looks like…in Hell! - View Quote Details on Gatekeeper: Now you’re gonna see what a big, horny bird…
• [after being killed by a train] From now on, I’m just gonna try to avoid all moving metal objects. - View Quote Details on [after being killed by a train] From now on, I’m…
• Demon: Popeye’s Chicken is the shiznit! - View Quote Details on Demon: Popeye’s Chicken is the shiznit!

About Little Nicky

Little Nicky (2000) is a comedy film written by, produced by, and starring Adam Sandler. Nicky, the only good-hearted son of Satan, goes on a quest to save his father from his evil brothers, Adrian and Cassius. On the way, he learns the basic differences between Earth and Hell (after dying several times), discovers what love is, and acquires a certain fondness for Popeye’s Chicken. .

Little Nicky Taglines

• He’s Never Been To Earth, He’s Never Even Slept Over Another Dude’s House!
• Be Unafraid. Be Very Unafraid.
• If Your Father Was The Devil, And Your Mother Was An Angel, You’d Be Messed Up, Too.

• One thought of thee puts all the pomp to flight,
  Priests, tapers, temples, swim before my sight. - View Quote Details on One thought of thee puts all the pomp to flight,
  Priests,…
• They dream in Courtship, but in Wedlock wake. - View Quote Details on They dream in Courtship, but in Wedlock wake.
• And if I lose thy love, I lose my all. - View Quote Details on And if I lose thy love, I lose my all.
• There, take (says Justice), take ye each a shell:
  We thrive at Westminster on fools like you;
  ‘T was a fat oyster,—live in peace,—adieu. - View Quote Details on There, take (says Justice), take ye each a shell:
  We thrive…
• Here thou, great Anna! whom three realms obey,
  Dost sometimes counsel take — and sometimes tea. - View Quote Details on Here thou, great Anna! whom three realms obey,
  Dost sometimes counsel…
• And binding Nature fast in fate,
  Left free the human will. - View Quote Details on And binding Nature fast in fate,
  Left free the human will.
• Love seldom haunts the breast where learning lies,
  And Venus sets ere Mercury can rise. - View Quote Details on Love seldom haunts the breast where learning lies,
  And Venus sets…
• A work of art that contains theories is like an object on which the price tag has been left. - View Quote Details on A work of art that contains theories is like an…
• He who tells a lie, is not sensible how great a task he undertakes; for he must be forced to invent twenty more to maintain that one. - View Quote Details on He who tells a lie, is not sensible how great…
• I never knew any man in my life who could not bear another’s misfortunes perfectly like a Christian. - View Quote Details on I never knew any man in my life who could…
• A mighty hunter, and his prey was man. - View Quote Details on A mighty hunter, and his prey was man.
• And truths divine came mended from that tongue. - View Quote Details on And truths divine came mended from that tongue.
• If I am right, Thy grace import
  Still in the right to stay;
  If I am wrong, oh teach my heart
  To find that better way! - View Quote Details on If I am right, Thy grace import
  Still in the right…
• On her white breast a sparkling cross she wore
  Which Jews might kiss, and infidels adore. - View Quote Details on On her white breast a sparkling cross she wore
  Which Jews…
• Sir Plume, of amber snuff-box justly vain,
  And the nice conduct of a clouded cane. - View Quote Details on Sir Plume, of amber snuff-box justly vain,
  And the nice conduct…
• So perish all, whose breast ne’er learn’d to glow
  For others’ good, or melt at others’ woe. - View Quote Details on So perish all, whose breast ne’er learn’d to glow
  For others’…
• By foreign hands thy dying eyes were closed,
  By foreign hands thy decent limbs composed,
  By foreign hands thy humble grave adorned,
  By strangers honored, and by strangers mourned! - View Quote Details on By foreign hands thy dying eyes were closed,
  By foreign hands…
• What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn’t much better than tedious disease. - View Quote Details on What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about…
• A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday. - View Quote Details on A man should never be ashamed to own he has…
• What we call a Genius, is hard to be distinguish’d by a man himself, from a strong inclination: and if his genius be ever so great, he can not at first discover it any other way, than by giving way to that prevalent propensity which renders him the more liable to be mistaken. - View Quote Details on What we call a Genius, is hard to be distinguish’d…
• See my lips tremble and my eyeballs roll,
  Suck my last breath, and catch my flying soul. - View Quote Details on See my lips tremble and my eyeballs roll,
  Suck my last…
• The hungry judges soon the sentence sign,
  And wretches hang that jurymen may dine. - View Quote Details on The hungry judges soon the sentence sign,
  And wretches hang that…
• Such were the notes thy once lov’d poet sung,
  Till death untimely stopp’d his tuneful tongue. - View Quote Details on Such were the notes thy once lov’d poet sung,
  Till death…
• Lull’d in the countless chambers of the brain,
  Our thoughts are link’d by many a hidden chain.
  Awake but one, and lo, what myriads rise!
  Each stamps its image as the other flies! - View Quote Details on Lull’d in the countless chambers of the brain,
  Our thoughts are…
• For he lives twice who can at once employ
  The present well, and e’en the past enjoy. - View Quote Details on For he lives twice who can at once employ
  The present…
• The mouse that always trusts to one poor hole
  Can never be a mouse of any soul. - View Quote Details on The mouse that always trusts to one poor hole
  Can never…
• But when mischief mortals bend their will,
  How soon they find fit instruments of ill! - View Quote Details on But when mischief mortals bend their will,
  How soon they find…
• Teach me to feel another’s woe,
  To right the fault I see;
  That mercy I to others show,
  That mercy show to me. - View Quote Details on Teach me to feel another’s woe,
  To right the fault…
• Luxurious lobster-nights, farewell,
  For sober, studious days! - View Quote Details on Luxurious lobster-nights, farewell,
  For sober, studious days!
• Nature and Nature’s laws lay hid in night:
  God said, “Let Newton be!” and all was light. - View Quote Details on Nature and Nature’s laws lay hid in night:
  God said, “Let…
• Lend, lend your wings! I mount! I fly!
  O grave! where is thy victory?
  O death! where is thy sting? - View Quote Details on Lend, lend your wings! I mount! I fly!
  O grave! where…
• The flying Rumours gather’d as they roll’d,
  Scarce any Tale was sooner heard than told;
  And all who told it, added something new,
  And all who heard it, made Enlargements too,
  In ev’ry Ear it spread, on ev’ry Tongue it grew. - View Quote Details on The flying Rumours gather’d as they roll’d,
  Scarce any Tale was…
• You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come;
  Knock as you please, there’s nobody at home. - View Quote Details on You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come;
  Knock as…
• Histories are more full of Examples of the Fidelity of dogs than of Friends. - View Quote Details on Histories are more full of Examples of the Fidelity of…
• Oh name forever sad! forever dear!
  Still breathed in sighs, still ushered with a tear. - View Quote Details on Oh name forever sad! forever dear!
  Still breathed in sighs, still…
• When men grow virtuous in their old age, they only make a sacrifice to God of the devil’s leavings. - View Quote Details on When men grow virtuous in their old age, they only…
• Vital spark of heav’nly flame!
  Quit, oh quit, this mortal frame:
  Trembling, hoping, ling’ring, flying,
  Oh the pain, the bliss of dying! - View Quote Details on Vital spark of heav’nly flame!
  Quit, oh quit, this mortal frame:
  Trembling,…
• And love the offender, yet detest the offence. - View Quote Details on And love the offender, yet detest the offence.
• Here hills and vales, the woodland and the plain,
  Here earth and water seem to strive again,
  Not chaos-like together crushed and bruised,
  But, as the world, harmoniously confused:
  Where order in variety we see,
  And where, though all things differ, all agree. - View Quote Details on Here hills and vales, the woodland and the plain,
  Here earth…
• Our passions are like convulsion-fits, which, though they make us stronger for the time, leave us the weaker ever after. - View Quote Details on Our passions are like convulsion-fits, which, though they make us…
• Ambition first sprung from your blest abodes;
  The glorious fault of Angels and of Gods. - View Quote Details on Ambition first sprung from your blest abodes;
  The glorious fault of…
• Genius creates, and taste preserves. Taste is the good sense of genius; without taste, genius is only sublime folly. - View Quote Details on Genius creates, and taste preserves. Taste is the good sense…
• Say, is not absence death to those who love? - View Quote Details on Say, is not absence death to those who love?
• Passions…are the gales of life… - View Quote Details on Passions…are the gales of life…
• The garlands fade, the vows are worn away;
  So dies her love, and so my hopes decay. - View Quote Details on The garlands fade, the vows are worn away;
  So…
• “Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed” was the ninth beatitude which a man of wit (who, like a man of wit, was a long time in gaol) added to the eighth. - View Quote Details on “Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall…
• Ye Gods! annihilate but space and time,
  And make two lovers happy. - View Quote Details on Ye Gods! annihilate but space and time,
  And make two lovers…
• Happy the man whose wish and care
  A few paternal acres bound,
  Content to breathe his native air
  In his own ground. - View Quote Details on Happy the man whose wish and care
  A few paternal acres…
• Thou Great First Cause, least understood
  Who all my sense confined
  To know but this, that Thou art good
  And that myself am blind. - View Quote Details on Thou Great First Cause, least understood
  Who all my sense confined
  To…
• Thus let me live, unseen, unknown;
  Thus unlamented let me die;
  Steal from the world, and not a stone
  Tell where I lie. - View Quote Details on Thus let me live, unseen, unknown;
  Thus unlamented let me die;
  Steal…
• Fair tresses man’s imperial race ensnare,
  And beauty draws us with a single hair. - View Quote Details on Fair tresses man’s imperial race ensnare,
  And beauty draws us with…
• Charms strike the sight, but merit wins the soul. - View Quote Details on Charms strike the sight, but merit wins the soul.
• Let spades be trumps! she said, and trumps they were. - View Quote Details on Let spades be trumps! she said, and trumps they were.
• Let opening roses knotted oaks adorn,
  And liquid amber drop from every thorn. - View Quote Details on Let opening roses knotted oaks adorn,
  And liquid amber drop from…
• Ignobly vain, and impotently great. - View Quote Details on Ignobly vain, and impotently great.

About Alexander Pope

Alexander Pope (21 May 1688 - 30 May 1744 ) is considered one of the greatest English poets of the eighteenth century.

• The people of England have been led in Mesopotamia into a trap from which it will be hard to escape with dignity and honor. They have been tricked into it by a steady withholding of information. The Baghdad communiques are belated, insincere, incomplete. Things have been far worse than we have been told, our administration more bloody and inefficient than the public knows. It is a disgrace to our imperial record, and may soon be too inflamed for any ordinary cure. We are today not far from a disaster. - View Quote Details on The people of England have been led in Mesopotamia into…
• I deem him one of the greatest beings alive in our time… We shall never see his like again. His name will live in history. It will live in the annals of war… It will live in the legends of Arabia. - View Quote Details on I deem him one of the greatest beings alive in…
• I prefer lies to truth, especially when the lies are about me (from Lonely Planet Guide to Jordan). - View Quote Details on I prefer lies to truth, especially when the lies are…
• Feisal asked me if I would wear Arab clothes like his own while in the camp. I should find it better for my own part, since it was a comfortable dress in which to live Arab-fashion as we must do. Besides, the tribesmen would then understand how to take me. The only wearers of khaki in their experience had been Turkish officers, before whom they took up an instinctive defence. If I wore Meccan clothes, they would behave to me as though I were really one of the leaders; and I might slip in and out of Feisal’s tent without making a sensation which he had to explain away each time to strangers. I agreed at once, very gladly; for army uniform was abominable when camel-riding or when sitting about on the ground; and the Arab things, which I had learned to manage before the war, were cleaner and more decent in the desert. - View Quote Details on Feisal asked me if I would wear Arab clothes like…
• All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did. - View Quote Details on All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by…
• With two thousand years of examples behind us, we have no excuses when fighting for not fighting well. - View Quote Details on With two thousand years of examples behind us, we have…
• …but suppose we were an influence (as we might be), an idea, a thing invulnerable, intangible, without front or back, drifting about like a gas? Armies were like plants, immobile as a whole, firm-rooted, nourished through long stems to the head, we might be a vapour, blowing where we listed. Our kingdoms lay in each man’s mind, as we wanted nothing material to live on, so perhaps we offered nothing material to the killing. It seemed a regular soldier might be helpless without a target. He would own the ground he sat on, and what he could poke his rifle at. - View Quote Details on …but suppose we were an influence (as we might be),…
• A disgusting little thing. - View Quote Details on A disgusting little thing.
• Isn’t it true that the fault of birth rests somewhat on the child? I believe it’s we who led our parents on to bear us, and it’s our unborn children who make our flesh itch. - View Quote Details on Isn’t it true that the fault of birth rests somewhat…
• Men have looked upon the desert as barren land, the free holding of whoever chose; but in fact each hill and valley in it had a man who was its acknowledged owner and would quickly assert the right of his family or clan to it, against aggression. Even the wells and trees had their masters, who allowed men to make firewood of the one and drink of the other freely, as much as was required for their need, but who would instantly check anyone trying to turn the property to account and to exploit it or its products among others for private benefit. The desert was held in a crazed communism by which Nature and the elements were for the free use of every known friendly person for his own purposes and no more. Logical outcomes were the reduction of this licence to privilege by the men of the desert, and their hardness to strangers unprovided with introduction or guarantee, since the common security lay in the common responsibility of kinsmen. - View Quote Details on Men have looked upon the desert as barren land, the…
• You wonder what I am doing? Well, so do I, in truth. Days seem to dawn, suns to shine, evenings to follow, and then I sleep. What I have done, what I am doing, what I am going to do, puzzle and bewilder me. Have you ever been a leaf and fallen from your tree in autumn and been really puzzled about it? That’s the feeling. - View Quote Details on You wonder what I am doing? Well, so do I,…
• This death’s livery which walled its bearers from ordinary life was sign that they have sold their wills and bodies to the State: and contracted themselves into a service not the less abject for that its beginning was voluntary. - View Quote Details on This death’s livery which walled its bearers from ordinary life…
• There could be no honor in sure success, but much might be wrested from a sure defeat - View Quote Details on There could be no honor in sure success, but much…
• All the revision in the world will not save a bad first draft: for the architecture of the thing comes, or fails to come, in the first conception, and revision only affects the detail and ornament, alas! - View Quote Details on All the revision in the world will not save a…
• Some of the evil of my tale may have been inherent in our circumstances. For years we lived anyhow with one another in the naked desert, under the indifferent heaven. By day the hot sun fermented us; and we were dizzied by the beating wind. At night we were stained by dew, and shamed into pettiness by the innumerable silences of stars. We were a self-centred army without parade or gesture, devoted to freedom, the second of man’s creeds, a purpose so ravenous that it devoured all our strength, a hope so transcendent that our earlier ambitions faded in its glare. - View Quote Details on Some of the evil of my tale may have been…
• Some Englishmen, of whom Kitchener was chief, believed that a rebellion of Arabs against Turks would enable England, while fighting Germany, simultaneously to defeat Turkey. Their knowledge of the nature and power and country of the Arabic-speaking peoples made them think that the issue of such a rebellion would be happy: and indicated its character and method. So they allowed it to begin… - View Quote Details on Some Englishmen, of whom Kitchener was chief, believed that a…
• Nine-tenths of tactics are certain, and taught in books: but the irrational tenth is like the kingfisher flashing across the pool, and that is the test of generals. It can only be ensured by instinct, sharpened by thought practising the stroke so often that at the crisis it is as natural as a reflex. - View Quote Details on Nine-tenths of tactics are certain, and taught in books: but…
• The Wahabis, followers of a fanatical Moslem heresy, had imposed their strict rules on easy and civilized Kasim. In Kasim there was but little coffee-hospitality, much prayer and fasting, no tobacco, no artistic dalliance with women, no silk clothes, no gold and silver head-ropes or ornaments. Everything was forcibly pious or forcibly puritanical.
  It was a natural phenomenon, this periodic rise at intervals of little more than a century, of ascetic creeds in Central Arabia. Always the votaries found their neighbours’ beliefs cluttered with inessential things, which became impious in the hot imagination of their preachers. Again and again they had arisen, had taken possession, soul and body, of the tribes, and had dashed themselves to pieces on the urban Semites, merchants and concupiscent men of the world. About their comfortable possessions the new creeds ebbed and flowed like the tides or the changing seasons, each movement with the seeds of early death in its excess of Tightness. Doubtless they must recur so long as the causes — sun, moon, wind, acting in the emptiness of open spaces, weigh without check on the unhurried and uncumbered minds of the desert-dwellers. - View Quote Details on The Wahabis, followers of a fanatical Moslem heresy, had imposed…
• I loved you, so I drew these tides of men into my hands
  and wrote my will across the sky in stars
  To gain you Freedom, the seven-pillared worthy house,
  that your eyes might be shining for me
  When I came. - View Quote Details on I loved you, so I drew these tides of men…
• The Work is a masterpiece, one of the few very best of its kind in the world. - View Quote Details on The Work is a masterpiece, one of the few very…
• The Arab was by nature continent; and the use of universal marriage had nearly abolished irregular courses in his tribes. The public women of the rare settlements we encountered in our months of wandering would have been nothing to our numbers, even had their raddled meat been palatable to a man of healthy parts. In horror of such sordid commerce our youths began indifferently to slake one another’s few needs in their own clean bodies — a cold convenience that, by comparison, seemed sexless and even pure. Later, some began to justify this sterile process, and swore that friends quivering together in the yielding sand with intimate hot limbs in supreme embrace, found there hidden in the darkness a sensual co-efficient of the mental passion which was welding our souls and spirits in one flaming effort. Several, thirsting to punish appetites they could not wholly prevent, took a savage pride in degrading the body, and offered themself fiercely in any habit which promised physical pain or filth. - View Quote Details on The Arab was by nature continent; and the use of…
• The world looks with some awe upon a man who appears unconcernedly indifferent to home, money, comfort, rank, or even power and fame. The world feels not without a certain apprehension, that here is some one outside its jurisdiction; someone before whom its allurements may be spread in vain; some one strangely enfranchised, untamed, untrammelled by convention, moving independent of the ordinary currents of human action. - View Quote Details on The world looks with some awe upon a man who…
• There is no other man I know who could have achieved what Lawrence did. As for taking undue credit for himself, my own personal experience with Lawrence is that he was utterly unconcerned whether any kudos was awarded him or not. - View Quote Details on There is no other man I know who could have…
• The Beduin could not look for God within him: he was too sure that he was within God. He could not conceive anything which was or was not God, Who alone was great; yet there was a homeliness, an everyday-ness of this climatic Arab God, who was their eating and their fighting and their lusting, the commonest of their thoughts, their familiar resource and companion, in a way impossible to those whose God is so wistfully veiled from them by despair of their carnal unworthiness of Him and by the decorum of formal worship. Arabs felt no incongruity in bringing God into the weaknesses and appetites of their least creditable causes. He was the most familiar of their words; and indeed we lost much eloquence when making Him the shortest and ugliest of our monosyllables.
  This creed of the desert seemed inexpressible in words, and indeed in thought. It was easily felt as an influence, and those who went into the desert long enough to forget its open spaces and its emptiness were inevitably thrust upon God as the only refuge and rhythm of being. The Bedawi might be a nominal Sunni, or a nominal Wahabi, or anything else in the Semitic compass, and he would take it very lightly, a little in the manner of the watchmen at Zion’s gate who drank beer and laughed in Zion because they were Zionists. Each individual nomad had his revealed religion, not oral or traditional or expressed, but instinctive in himself; and so we got all the Semitic creeds with (in character and essence) a stress on the emptiness of the world and the fullness of God; and according to the power and opportunity of the believer was the expression of them. - View Quote Details on The Beduin could not look for God within him: he…

About T. E. Lawrence

Thomas Edward Lawrence (16 August 1888 – 19 May 1935 ) better known as T.E. Lawrence or Lawrence of Arabia; for a brief time he also used the name T. E. Shaw “Lawrence of Arabia” redirects here. For the motion picture, see Lawrence of Arabia (film).